String Cheese - Article Eight

Ghost Shows are Lacking Real Spirit
by Aryn Corley

The other night I was flipping through the channels trying to find something that would rot my brain. Since I have satellite television, it wasn’t going to be very difficult.

I wasn’t in the mood for pre-pubescent karaoke contests, nor did I really want to see nitwits living in a house together. I wanted to watch something that was going to make me yell at the screen.

Luckily, my digital surfboard landed me on a program called “Ghost Hunters.”

Just from seeing the title, I figured it was going to be about two dudes sitting in a blind waiting to shoot some hapless ghost that wanders into a baited area.

Boy, was I wrong!

“Ghost Hunters” is a reality-type program featuring two plumbers and their buddies conducting paranormal investigations with hi-tech gadgets. While these guys are out chasing spooks, some poor parapsychologist is busy with a drain snake trying to “fish out” a child’s rubber ducky from a clogged toilet.

I’m a firm believer that facts must never encroach upon entertainment value under any circumstances. To me, watching these guys bumbling around in the dark is entertaining. However, I just wish these guys could be a little more skeptical in their approach to investigating these “hauntings.”

The evidence collected so far from these types of investigations paints a grim picture of the afterlife. If these programs are to be believed, we can assume that we become complete idiots after we die.

After watching this show, I’ve drawn some conclusions about our friends who didn’t listen to Carol Anne and stayed away from the light in “Poltergeist.”

Ghosts are completely inept when it comes to communicating with the living. Their lack of vocal ability has made them so angry they throw things about and play with the thermostat. On many occasions, one of the “investigators” reports feeling a cold spot in the room. Had the guy felt warm, he probably would have chalked it up to menopause.

Ghosts also have a tendency to haunt really depressing places. In one show, the ghost hunters went to a building supposedly haunted by people who’d gone insane.

As it turns out, the building was once a Department of Motor Vehicles office. Rest assured, ghosts won’t be caught dead at Disneyland or Fiesta Texas. If they are there, they’re probably with some group on a theme day.

Regardless, of their disembodied natures, ghosts apparently still have some sense of decorum and have the decency to wear clothes when they go about their daily activities. Nothing could be more disturbing than seeing the ghostly figure of Ulysses S. Grant walking around without his pants on. Every single person reporting a ghost sighting can usually tell gender and mode of dress.

It’s comforting to know that there’s a celestial second hand store waiting to outfit the recently departed as they make their way through limbo. I just hope when it’s my time I’ll have shoes that’ll match my handbag.

Ghosts tend to be very introverted. They don’t like to be photographed, videotaped or sketched. Every time someone comes in with a camera, the ghost fails to appear. What are they afraid of? It’s not like the camera’s going to add 10 pounds of ectoplasm. Yet, they shy away from the camera like hillbillies at a soap convention.

Sadly, as I watch this show, I quickly realize that these guys aren’t doing any better than anyone else nor are they gathering any compelling new evidence to support the existence of ghosts. They barely had me believing they were actually plumbers!

Too bad.

If ghosts do exist I’d like for them to tell me about what happens on the “other side.” If I’m going to need to bring a towel, I’d like to know beforehand. Besides, who wouldn’t want to see Elvis in concert just one more time? (On a side note: I’d possess Demi Moore over Whoopi Goldberg any day of the week!)

Having all I could stand, I turned off the television and decided it would be better instead to go slam my fingers in a door. While I don’t believe in the existence of ghosts and haunted houses, I did remember a strange occurrence I had at a local restaurant a while back.

A very pale man dressed as a waiter came to my table, took my order, then disappeared. I never saw him again.

Had he brought me the chicken I ordered it may have been a “poultry-geist.”