String Cheese Article - Twenty Six

Waiting is the end of the line

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 05.12.09

Everywhere I go there is one. When I see one, I go the other way. I can go halfway across the country and there’ll be another one, maybe two. In fact, they’re all over the world. Across all cultures and socioeconomic strata people love them and want to be a part of them. Some people love to make their own.

Personally, I detest them.

I hate lines.

A line will either drain you of your time or money. Oftentimes it’s both.

As a species, there must be something in our biological code that compels use to stand behind another person and wait for something. Whether it’s a need for human companionship or Hannah Montana tickets, it never ceases to amaze me just how long people are willing to wait in line. I’m not very good at it because it requires a level of patience and self-discipline that I lack.

Every time I end up in a line, I start feeling like David Banner just before he morphs into the Incredible Hulk. Sadly, I’ve never been exposed to gamma radiation. So, the only thing I’m capable of morphing into is the Incredulous Sulk.

I don’t understand how people can do it.

People will stand in line to wait for some of the craziest things. Lately, it seems that when there is a new video game system to come out, legions of techno-nerds will line up for days prior to the release so they can be the first ones to get their hands on that little piece of digital heaven.

Science fiction fans will often dress up in costume and hold impromptu conventions while they wait in line for movie tickets to go on sale. I often wonder if these people’s bosses wish they could show that kind of dedication at work. This is all based on the assumption that the guy who dressed like a mangy Wookie actually has a job.

My earliest recollection of line-waiting goes all the way back to my days in elementary school. On field trips, we would be herded from place to place like a company of incorrigible munchkins. The only instructions we were given was to line up and stay quiet. It was oppressive. However, I wasn’t going to let that ruin my trip to the meat packing plant. It was worth jumping out of line to go talk with anyone wearing pigtails.

During my time in the military, I wasted a lot of time examining the backs of people’s heads. So much time, I should’ve gotten college credit hours. In basic training, we would march (in line) to the chow hall, wait for chow (in line), then go back and wait at the barracks (in line).

On one particular day, my drill sergeant was giving me all kinds of maternal attention. After all, for six weeks, he was a real mother. Anyway, he asked me what I was being trained for. The response he was looking for was “killer,” “blood thirsty,” “rabid Hun,” or any other gear of war. When I shouted, “I’m being trained to wait in line, sergeant!,” I almost got a snicker from him. The standard price for almost making your drill sergeant lose his military bearing is about 100,000 push-ups. Thankfully, they had an installment plan.

The next time you see one of our young soldiers, sailors, marines, or airmen, thank them for the incredible amount of line waiting it takes to preserve this country’s freedom.

The main problem with waiting in lines is the complete lack of entertainment. Lines, by their nature, just aren’t fun. This is exactly why places like Six Flags and Disney World have rides. It gives you something to do between the times that you wait in line! Even Wal-Mart has televisions to take your mind off the fact that you’re waiting in line and there are 20 empty unmanned registers.

My wife likes to talk to people when she’s waiting in line. For her, it’s a social event. She could be waiting in line and then suddenly have everyone singing “How Great Thou Art.” It’s creepy. My dad despises line waiting. I think I get that from him. The two of us were waiting for three hours for a shuttle one time. We were both so livid that we didn’t talk for the next eight hours. Luckily, most of that was sleep time.

I guess there’s no avoiding it. As long as there are people on this planet, there will be a line to stand in.

I just hope that wherever we go from here, they have turnstiles.

The MEH factor

Please be sure to check out The MEH factor @ http://themehfactor.blogspot.com.
This is a blog site where I write pithy satirical comment about things in the media that make people say "meh". Basically, it's stuff that people don't care about. The purpose is to stimulate critical thinking about the things that we are fed from the media.
It's barnyard journalism at it's finest!

String Cheese - Article Twenty Five

Eco-Friendly Can Be Eco-Crazy

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 5.2.09

What kind of gift am I supposed to give to someone for Earth Day?

I suppose that a small glob of plutonium would be terribly inappropriate. Maybe a more acceptable gift would be one that is not only environmentally friendly, but would not leave any long-term detrimental effects.

Cow dung comes to mind.

Gaylord Nelson, a US senator from Wisconsin, created Earth Day to address the concern of global overpopulation and the detrimental effect that it can have on the environment. The environment, like everything else, gets really messed up when you start adding more people to it. Like every great idea that came out of the 60’s, it gave folk singers more material.

While I’m neither an opponent of responsible environmentalism nor an opponent of well-reasoned conservation of our natural resources, there are aspects of the Earth Day phenomenon/craze, which makes me turn a little “green.”

During the week of April 22, every year, we get treated to a media blitz of “green” public service announcements, news, and shows with an environmental spin. I refuse to believe that Matt Lauer going “commando” on the Today show is somehow saving the environment. Whether it kills baby seals or not, deodorant made from chemicals is usually always a good thing.

Madison Avenue is even getting in on the craze. Product logos and wrappers are green along with the money that goes into the pockets of companies touting themselves as “Earth safe.” Consumers will pay extra for something if they feel like their money is being used for a worthy cause. Frankly, I don’t care for “green” toilet paper.

I like white, thank you very much.

So if being the most environmentally conscientious earthling only lasts for 24 hours, what happens during the remaining 8,736 hours of the year (non-Leap)? It’s during this large hunk of time that people love to dump their trash in the national forest or dump motor oil and unused appliances into local creeks. Responsible stewardship of our natural resources should be every day. However, I suppose that if we had Earth Year we’d come up with an Apathy Day to break up the monotony.

Finally, there is much debate about the existence of global warming. Some arguments claim that it is an actual phenomenon while others think it’s the environmentalists pushing forward their agenda. The thought of being able to wear shorts in the dead of winter in Minnesota is actually appealing to me. If polar bears can live in the Texas heat, then why can’t the rest of the globe?

Not everything organic is good for the earth or the people on it. Sunlight is heralded as a wonderful source of alternative energy, plus it gives George Hamilton spooky caramel luster. It also gives us the pleasure of fighting skin cancer if we don’t use sunscreen. By the way, sunscreen is topical and not oral. Rub it on yourself, but not on your bagel.

To really make an environmental impact, we have to make a yearlong commitment for a lifetime. Not just for one day. Use a broom instead of a leaf blower, or skip to work instead of driving.

I guess the best gift for Earth Day that anyone can give is a willingness to look past the hype and to do what he or she can within reasonable limits.

Celebrate Earth Day the best way you know how.

I think I’m going to give a cow a nice big plate of beans.