The Biggest Cool Guy

The biggest winner was me when I got a chance to "talk cop" with The Biggest Loser: Season 4 contestant Jim Germanakos. Jim is a police officer in Long Island and an all-around nice guy.

String Cheese Wins Another Award!

The Texas Press Association [http://texaspress.com/index.php/services/2010-better-newspaper-contest/1514] just bestowed a FOURTH PLACE nod in the COLUMN WRITING category. Here's the snip from their website:

Division 6 Large Weeklies

1.  Hays Free Press — “Quit renaming our holidays” by Clint Younts. I always wondered what St. Valentine’s did. This column made me laugh. Good job and congratulations. “Clintodamus predicts the unpredictable” by Clint Younts. Very funny and creative. Looking forward to see what comes next!
2.  Fredericksburg Standard-Radio Post — “Cats Rule—And Don’t Forget It” by Terry Collier. Great storytelling. Everyone’s got a “pet the kiddo left at home” memory. Would have liked to have learned about those peppers! “Leading With Their Hearts” by Terry Collier. Nice!
3.  Fredericksburg Standard-Radio Post — “Meet Dr. No” by Cathy Collier. A story your readers can relate to. Update on terrible twos required! “He’s The Man” by Cathy Collier. Great job. Longest lead ever, in a way, and a delight to read.
4.  Cleveland Advocate — “Jury is out on lawyer shows” by Aryn Corley. Very nice. I was a little confused at first, thinking you meant CNN/FOX-type shows. Love the Mattress Tag Unit! “Don’t mock my smock” by Aryn Corley. Good column on a topic everyone is tired of!

Fourth in the whole state of Texas? WOW! It's hard to believe that all of my literary shenanigans are starting to pay off. Mrs. Karen Hundley, my senior high school English teacher, always thought I had something warped to share with the world. This win is dedicated to her.

Thanks to everyone who read my columns, support this blog, and charges me half-price for lunch.

String Cheese Article XXVIII

Every slick has a silver lining

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 06.22.10

So there’s this huge oil slick in the Gulf...

I’m still trying to write a punch line for this one.

Even though there are thousands and thousands of barrels spilling into the Gulf of Mexico, things can’t be all bad? Right? It’s a matter of looking at things from a positive perspective. This little “worst-environmental-disaster-in-American-history” thing could turn out the be a boon to this country.

It’s been reported that British Petroleum may have cut some corners regarding the safety of its drilling platform. Safety experts had supposedly warned them of the dangers. What do safety experts know? My mother was a “safety expert.” She was always telling me to wash my hands, stop touching things, and very concerned about me poking out my eyes. I ran with scissors all of the time and managed to keep my eyesight intact. In fact, I tell my own kids that it’s okay to play with sharp objects and lighter fluid. They don’t listen to me either.

What’s wrong with a multi-gagillion dollar company wanting to save a little extra dough anyway? I’m sure BP was going to use that money to build homeless shelters, rural clinics, and gas stations all along the Gulf Coast. The company is now spending millions of dollars, while creating several hundred jobs, to quickly clean up the oily waterfowl so they can be blasted in the fall by hunters. Commercial businesses impacted by the “devastation” will have access to many hats, koozies, and T-shirts bearing that really rad BP logo. See? BP is doing a lot for the local economy!

BP CEO Tony Hayward (who looks like Piers Morgan from “Americas Got Talent”), has taken a beating from the press, from Congressional panels, and the characters from Yo-Gabba-Gabba. If Mr. Hayward watched any of the Congressional Baseball Steroid Crusade, then he knows he has nothing to worry about.

As the CEO of a large multinational corporation, it’s his job not to know what’s going on in his company. “I Dunno” is a perfectly acceptable answer to questions when one doesn’t know or is being evasive. However, Tony Hayward’s cunning cannot be denied. Not only has he vowed to clean up the Gulf and have the whole world not believe him, but he got a Republican congressman to apologize for the negative publicity, then got the same guy to apologize for being apologetic.

At least the oil slick has everyone thinking again. Part of what makes this country great, besides Las Vegas, is our ingenuity. BP has set up a hotline for “Joe Q Public” to share ideas about how to clean up the mess. Here it is: 281-366-5511. Americans are brilliant for coming up with ideas. Several examples can be cited as evidence: electricity, flight, and seven-layer dip. People are coming out of the woodwork to share their solutions.

For example, actor Kevin Costner, that dude from “Dances with Wolves” (not Two Socks), has a brother who has a machine that will separate the oil from the water, then turn the water into “Tin Cup” DVDs. I’d like to see that one! It’s been suggested that putting hay on the water will soak it up. This method will work if one remembers the old adage: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him eat petroleum-soaked hay.

I called the hotline and offered my idea. My plan calls for the Jonas Brothers to give a concert there on the beach with thousands of pre-pubescent fans blowing their vuvuzelas. The oil blob would be so horrified by the sound of the Jonas Brothers, it will slither back in its hole.

I’m still waiting to hear back from BP.

I figure when the property values plunge to record levels I can open a theme park called “Schlickerbahn.” Families can have fun sliding around while enjoying chocolate-covered ice cream pelicans.

As every day passes with the Gulf puking out “Black Gold... Texas Tea”, I try to remain optimistic. Ironically, disasters seem to bring out the good in most people. Time and time again we’ve pulled together when it really counts to help others in need.

It’s unfortunate that we have to have something bad to remind us of how good we can be.

Author’s note: My sympathy is with the families of those who died on that rig. My satirical humor will never be enough to ease their sadness.