String Cheese Article - XXIV

Kids’ curiosity creates Christmas questions

by Aryn Corley
Updated: 12.22.09

Child psychologists will fist-fight each other debating whether or not it’s socially acceptable to lie to children about Santa Claus. As a general rule, I feel people should lie to children. But if we are to lie to kids about Santa, we have to get the lie straight. Conflicting stories will expose the truth and as Jack Nicholson reminded us in “A Few Good Men” we can’t handle “the truth.” Besides, it’s children who shouldn’t lie to adults because they’re short and can’t go to jail for anything.

My own kids are starting to ask some probative questions about Santa and his activities. They may be starting to figure out the holes in the story. In this article I’ll answer some of kids’ frequently asked questions. Hopefully, it can act as a guide for adults while fending off their inquisitive minds for another year.

Here are some questions from kids about Santa and Christmas in general.

• How did Santa and Mrs. Claus meet?

Santa met his wife, Gertrude, when she was working concessions at a carnival. As the story goes, she fell madly in love with Santa after he came back for his seventh helping of cotton candy. She thought he was coming back all those times to see her. Really, he’s a huge fan of cotton candy.

• Did Santa and his wife ever have any kids?

Yes. That is until they had to deal with diapers, formula, crying, and all that post natal stuff. They both agreed that dealing with children only once a year versus all year long was a better idea. Who could blame them?

• How come Santa didn’t bring some of the toys on my list?

Kids make Christmas lists that could put ransom letters to shame. Also, Santa doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. If there were items left off your list, it was probably because of something you did.

• How many elves work at the North Pole and what does Santa pay them?

Technically, Santa’s elves are undocumented workers. So, they aren’t paid a working wage and they would not qualify for medical coverage under the new healthcare plan. Living at the North Pole also gets Santa a nice little tax shelter. There aren’t any labor laws there, either.

• How can I get my parents to let me play with the manger and the animals?

Forget it. You’re parents won’t budge. My son keeps using our nativity scene as a playset for his Star Wars figures. The other day I found the three wise men bringing gifts to the baby Yoda. If you do it, my advice is don’t get caught. If you have to ask for something, forgiveness is better than permission.

• My older brother says there’s no such thing as Santa. Is that true?

Of course there’s a Santa. Who else would bring you a bunch of things you don’t want like socks and underwear? You’ll see. Besides, there’s no empirical evidence to support the existence of older brothers.

• How does Santa get into a house without a chimney?

He uses lock picks. Before Santa got into the gift business he worked as a repo man for a loan company. Locks are no obstacle for the jolly man.

• How will I know if I’m on the “nice” or “naughty” list?

If you’re on the naughty list, you’ll get an e-mail from Santa that starts off “Dear Tiger Woods...”

Merry Christmas, everyone!

String Cheese - Article XXVIII

Keep reading, we’ll keep writing

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 12.15.09

This week’s String Cheese is a bit of a departure from my usual foray into the absurd. There are plenty of things going on lately to poke fun at.

The whole Tiger Woods debacle has created an endless source of comedy fodder for the best and worst of comedians.

A couple crashes a White House dinner party and eats all the little cocktail weenies before someone questions who they are.

The war in Afghanistan is intensifying while Osama Bin Laden is hiding out as a short order cook in Roswell, New Mexico.

Brett Favre plays for the Vikings.

Instead of writing something dumb, I’d like to take the time and write a “Thank You” to all the beautiful, brilliant, intelligent and talented people who enjoy my columns.

I feel a great sense of gratitude to each reader who’s taken the time to let me know how they either laughed at my article or had difficulty reading it in the restroom.

I’ve done what I set out to do which was to intentionally provide humorous content to balance out the non-funny content unintentionally supplied by the public at large.

I’m not saying that all of the news is bad. However, there is a lot of it. At least my senselessness doesn’t hurt anyone. Well, most people aren’t hurt by it.

Of course, none of this would at all be possible without my editor Vanesa Brashier who first went out on a limb to give me a forum for my ramblings. It’s hard to grasp the amount of work she does. She not only puts three papers together, but she’s a mother, a wife, and when there’s a little extra time she sleeps.

Really though, I told her that if she didn’t run my column I would toss a sack full of live kittens into the lake. Needless to say, they sank. But she felt bad for me and decided to run my column anyway.

In case you were wondering, I got the name String Cheese from two places. First, I’m a stringer, which means that I contribute articles but I’m not anywhere nearly as astute as Wukman. Secondly, how I write is “cheesy,” so I put the two together. It was either that or an advice column called “Dear Scabby...”

Another reason why I wanted to say thanks to all my readers is because of their support for our paper. This last year has been a bad year as iconic newspapers stopped their presses and dropped off the journalistic landscape.

As we continue to compete with alternative sources of news and entertainment, I appreciate those loyal readers who continue to choose the Houston Community Newspapers. See, HCN was also smart by having a copy of the paper online so that no matter where in the world you are you can get your String Cheese articles.

So if one were thrown into a Turkish prison, at least there’s a way to stay connected back home. Believe it or not, there are people from all over the world who read our local paper!

As for my String Cheese articles, as long as someone will print them, I’ll write them. Throughout history, humor has been the looking glass for which the world is scrutinized. As life throws us curve balls, I’ll do my best to show readers how to step into the pitch and take a free base. My motto is this: humor first, spelling and grammar second, and redeeming social value, rarely.

I would also like to extend a special thanks to the Curry Brothers (Kyle and Clay) who are using my articles to teach a young hunting dog to make potty on the paper.

Again, thanks so much for your support and continued reading and I hope that you pass the Cheese along to your friends and loved ones.

If you’re interested, follow me on Twitter @ArynCorley or contact me at aryncorley@gmail.com.

Who Let the Dawg In

We decided to let the dog in because this global warming is causing temperatures to drop. In order for a coon hound to stay inside it must first be bathed. Once a dog is bathed it releases a funk that will make Ralph Lauren "ralph".

Even as I write this mini article, my dog is resting his head in my "nether regions". Apparently, this is how they say "hello". Since he knows me already, I think he's just being very forward. Of course, I had him fixed several months ago so it may be he's envious that I still have my...

Speaking of golf balls, this Tiger Woods thing is spiraling out of control. Where Tiger went wrong is he left cheating out of his pre-nup. I'm sure that his wife, Elin, wouldn't have been so upset if she'd known up front that Tiger was on the prowl. Gatorade has dropped Tiger from their ads. Nike is remaining steadfast, however. In fact, they've shown support for their pitchman by changing their slogan to "Just Deny It." Tiger will undoubtedly rebound and come back bigger and stronger than before. If he does, I hope he wears a hockey mask and carries a machete.

As the healthcare debate rages on, and more troop deployments to the Middle East are imminent, Congress is mustering to figure out how Tareq and Michaele Selahi infiltrated a white house party. As James Bond already knows, you only need two things to crash a party: a tux and a pretty girl. I bet if you rip the latex mask off of Michaele Selahi you'll find that she's actually Roger Clemens. Even if the duo are dragged in front of the lazy eye of the legislative branch, the couple plans to plead the fifth amendment. Wait, is that the one which states, " Thou shalt not enter a taxpayer funded party uninvited?"

Finally, there's a great furor over the accidental release of the TSA screener manual. The sensitive government document supposedly reveals the inner most secrets of the TSA. Now anyone can practice the ancient art of looking at an 85 year old woman and knowing if she's a terrorist. There's also a special section dealing with people who have foil wrapped cucumbers stuffed in their trousers. I wouldn't know anything about that.

Thankfully, AMTRAK doesn't use screeners. In fact, people may soon be able to carry guns in their checked bags onto a train. Finally, someone has come up with a way to deal with those obnoxious businessmen in the "quiet car".