String Cheese Article- Number Seven

It's 5 'o'Clock-Where's Your Shadow?
by Aryn Corley

Shaving is an art.
Shortly after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, Eve turned to Adam and said, “ I don’t like your stubble. You need to shave.”
Not to be outdone, Adam responded with, “ Well at least my legs don’t look like Chewbacca.”
As I lather up in the mornings, preparing myself for my own depilation, I often think about how mankind has embarked on a quest to rid itself of unwanted body hair.
For men, facial hair has been a matter personal identity as well as social acceptance. What adolescent boy hasn’t waited for that one “starter hair” hair to come in and usher him into manhood? However, 20 years later that same boy finds it a real hassle to shave every morning and wishes those hairs were on top of his head. Sadly, both his job and the woman who gets his paycheck demand it.
Nowadays, it’s more common to see men clean-shaven. Even moustaches have taken a holiday. Even fewer still are faces with a full-on beard. Imagine what Grizzly Adams would be like without that big bushy beard. He’d probably look like a weirdo and get mauled by that bear. If the Quaker Oats guy had just a tad more facial hair, he’d look a lot less like Barbara Bush.
For women, clean-shaven is highly encouraged. There’s nothing more discouraging than snuggling with a woman who’s got the whole ZZ Top thing going. Women even take it a step further doing crazy things with their eyebrows. It kills me to see a woman who’s removed her eyebrows completely only to draw them on crookedly with a pencil. I once worked with a woman who drew her eyebrows on in such a way it looked like she was in a perpetual state of surprise. Every time I’d talk to her, I’d catch myself opening my eyes really wide and hiking my unibrow as high as it would go.
The methods for removing hair are as varied and creative as anything you’d find in the London Dungeon.
I remember a little device called an “Epilady” that my mom had lying around the house. Basically, it was a spring on a handle. While I never used it, I distinctly remember my mom cussing like a longshoreman and chucking that thing out into the yard after about the tenth time she used it.
Late night television ads show nice looking women using goop, lasers, electrolysis, and other hi-tech means of distancing themselves from their mammalian heritage. Some of this James Bond stuff can cost hundreds of dollars. Actually, it might be cheaper to expose oneself directly to uranium.
Luckily for us guys, the choices are few: duct tape or a razor.
I saw an advertisement recently featuring Tiger Woods and the latest razor that looked like a tiny set of vertical blinds on a stick. Who is he kidding? Tiger Woods has got so much cash he can pay his hair to stop growing!
When I was in the military, I had to shave every morning. The Department of Defense philosophy is to look your best when bringing ferocious audacity to the enemy. Many of my cohorts would bring rechargeable electric razors with them out into the field. It was always funny to see these guys pool their intellect as they tried figure out how to recharge the darned things.
Personally, I like living on the edge.
When I shave, I use an “old skool” straight razor. There’s something kind of cool about shaving with an instrument primarily used by serial killers. With each stroke along my neck, I hear Johnny Depp singing songs from the movie “Sweeney Todd.”
I have to very careful about what I’m doing. Otherwise, my face ends up looking like a B-17 after a bombing run over Germany.
Departmental policy not withstanding, I have to shave because I can’t grow facial hair. Previous attempts at growing some resulted in me looking like a Chia Pet with a bad case of mange. Too bad. I could’ve been a great third world dictator if I were more hirsute.
As I finish the last of my three S’s, I notice my son watching me with the same morbid fascination that brings people to NASCAR races. He wants to see someone get hurt.
I turn to my son and share with him the wisdom of screenwriter, and all-around kooky guy, Samuel Hoffenstein:
“Babies haven’t any hair
Old men’s heads are just as bare
Between the cradle and the grave
Lie a haircut and a shave.”
“You’re weird,” he says politely.