Cheese Awards are nacho normal kind of prizes
By ARYN CORLEY
Updated: 01.12.10
By ARYN CORLEY
Updated: 01.12.10
Wow.
It seems like only a year ago that 2009 was being ushered in with the promise of hope and change.
Now, as the “Baby New Year of 2010” cries incessantly and spits up on itself, it’s important to look back at 2009 and recognize the folks who made the year great.
The awards I’m about to bestow upon these lucky recipients were carefully evaluated by the Cheese Research Academy of the Pineywoods. Most awards are based on some kind of achievement.
However, this dubious honor is reserved for those individuals, or government entities, which have demonstrated an elite level of cheesiness for the past year.
The award itself is a fine, hand-crafted pair of scissors made from a block of processed cheese. All awards are made in the USA and are completely edible (I suggest sausage and diced tomatoes to go with it.)
Ladies and Gentlemen [drum roll], I present to you the 2009 Cheese Cutter Awards! [applause]
Since I’m a chivalrous guy, I’ll give the ladies’ award first. First runners-up are Paula Abdul and Susan Boyle who have a common thread with Simon Cowell.
The Cheesiest Woman award goes to the First Lady of Cheese: Sarah Palin. The former governor has given late night talk show hosts and we humor columnists plenty to work with.
It was Palin (Sarah, not Michael) who used her Facebook page to suggest that Democratic health care legislation would create “death panels,” which was manifestly untrue.
However, it was her appearance with William Shatner on the Tonight Show, which put her on the express Cheeto to fame. I hope for the sake of comedy in this country that Sarah Palin lives a very, very long time.
Speaking of government, the next award is for the Cheesiest Government Action. Our elected officials are putting Wisconsin to shame with the cheese output.
Honorable mention goes to corporate bailouts and ending analogue broadcasts. Thank goodness we don’t have to suffer the indignity of watching Ryan Seacrest in standard definition.
The award for Cheesiest Government Action goes to: electing Al Franken as senator. It’s fitting that he ran in the same state that elected a pro-wrestler for governor.
Public office seems to be the next logical step for anyone who used to write comedy. There are few differences between drafting legislation and crafting punchlines.
There were enough media moments to stuff a jalapeno and wrap it with bacon. Interestingly, the shocker of the Obama Nobel Prize win and the non-event NASA missile striking the moon were on the same day.
However, the Cheesiest Media moment, hands down, goes to: the endless coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. What happened to the media when Jacko’s death was announced is the same thing that happens when you shove a burrito into a VCR.
The glut of coverage was so overwhelming, I had to call a random person in Afghanistan to find out how things were going. I just hope that the next time it happens, I’m out of the country. Pop culture is the mortar by which the bricks of lunacy are set.
The Cheesiest Man Award could easily go to Jay Leno for retiring from the Tonight Show only to have it come on earlier in a horrendous format, which is as funny as a nutritional label.
The award could also go to Tiger Woods whose extramarital shenanigans have cost him his family and career. Tiger has more mistresses than he has mulligans.
The award for Cheesiest Man easily goes to Wall Street huckster Bernie Madoff. His 150-year sentence in federal prison speaks to the fact that Madoff failed to research the success rates of Ponzi schemes.
Bernie proved once again that you can get away with murder, but investor fraud will not be tolerated! The world also learned never to give money to anyone whose last name rhymes with “made off.”
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the BIG Cheese award.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was on track for the prize for his impeachment, removal from office, and bad hair.
Nadya “Octomom” Suleman almost won by giving birth to a litter of kids, bringing her total number of tax deductions to 14. That’s enough kids to move into a decent sized shoe.
However, only one was worthy enough to claim the 2009 BIG Cheese award. This guy’s cheesy idea of getting on national television was so ill conceived, it backfired and landed him in trouble with federal, state, and local police.
Dear readers, raise a glass for the 2009 BIG Cheese: Richard “Balloon Boy Dad” Heene.
As a dad, I know I do some dumb stuff. As far Richard Heene is concerned, the cheese stands alone. His lust for the limelight was so insatiable, he decided to cook up a lie that his son, Falcon, was stuck in a huge floating Mylar balloon.
His ticket to instant fame and fortune was punched when the son accidentally outed him during a live television interview that the whole event was a hoax.
Heene’s stunt brought air traffic to a standstill, wasted emergency resources, and made several police officers wish they’d gone to the gym before chasing that dumb balloon.
As a result, Heene and his wife received jail sentences of 90 and 20 days, respectively. Way to go, dude. The family that does time together stays together.
Well, that’s it. Sadly, there are no more awards to give out. We’ve covered the Cheesiest of 2009. I hope that 2010 will be just as cheesy as the last. We’re only a few weeks into the new year and it already seems promising.
It seems like only a year ago that 2009 was being ushered in with the promise of hope and change.
Now, as the “Baby New Year of 2010” cries incessantly and spits up on itself, it’s important to look back at 2009 and recognize the folks who made the year great.
The awards I’m about to bestow upon these lucky recipients were carefully evaluated by the Cheese Research Academy of the Pineywoods. Most awards are based on some kind of achievement.
However, this dubious honor is reserved for those individuals, or government entities, which have demonstrated an elite level of cheesiness for the past year.
The award itself is a fine, hand-crafted pair of scissors made from a block of processed cheese. All awards are made in the USA and are completely edible (I suggest sausage and diced tomatoes to go with it.)
Ladies and Gentlemen [drum roll], I present to you the 2009 Cheese Cutter Awards! [applause]
Since I’m a chivalrous guy, I’ll give the ladies’ award first. First runners-up are Paula Abdul and Susan Boyle who have a common thread with Simon Cowell.
The Cheesiest Woman award goes to the First Lady of Cheese: Sarah Palin. The former governor has given late night talk show hosts and we humor columnists plenty to work with.
It was Palin (Sarah, not Michael) who used her Facebook page to suggest that Democratic health care legislation would create “death panels,” which was manifestly untrue.
However, it was her appearance with William Shatner on the Tonight Show, which put her on the express Cheeto to fame. I hope for the sake of comedy in this country that Sarah Palin lives a very, very long time.
Speaking of government, the next award is for the Cheesiest Government Action. Our elected officials are putting Wisconsin to shame with the cheese output.
Honorable mention goes to corporate bailouts and ending analogue broadcasts. Thank goodness we don’t have to suffer the indignity of watching Ryan Seacrest in standard definition.
The award for Cheesiest Government Action goes to: electing Al Franken as senator. It’s fitting that he ran in the same state that elected a pro-wrestler for governor.
Public office seems to be the next logical step for anyone who used to write comedy. There are few differences between drafting legislation and crafting punchlines.
There were enough media moments to stuff a jalapeno and wrap it with bacon. Interestingly, the shocker of the Obama Nobel Prize win and the non-event NASA missile striking the moon were on the same day.
However, the Cheesiest Media moment, hands down, goes to: the endless coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. What happened to the media when Jacko’s death was announced is the same thing that happens when you shove a burrito into a VCR.
The glut of coverage was so overwhelming, I had to call a random person in Afghanistan to find out how things were going. I just hope that the next time it happens, I’m out of the country. Pop culture is the mortar by which the bricks of lunacy are set.
The Cheesiest Man Award could easily go to Jay Leno for retiring from the Tonight Show only to have it come on earlier in a horrendous format, which is as funny as a nutritional label.
The award could also go to Tiger Woods whose extramarital shenanigans have cost him his family and career. Tiger has more mistresses than he has mulligans.
The award for Cheesiest Man easily goes to Wall Street huckster Bernie Madoff. His 150-year sentence in federal prison speaks to the fact that Madoff failed to research the success rates of Ponzi schemes.
Bernie proved once again that you can get away with murder, but investor fraud will not be tolerated! The world also learned never to give money to anyone whose last name rhymes with “made off.”
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the BIG Cheese award.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was on track for the prize for his impeachment, removal from office, and bad hair.
Nadya “Octomom” Suleman almost won by giving birth to a litter of kids, bringing her total number of tax deductions to 14. That’s enough kids to move into a decent sized shoe.
However, only one was worthy enough to claim the 2009 BIG Cheese award. This guy’s cheesy idea of getting on national television was so ill conceived, it backfired and landed him in trouble with federal, state, and local police.
Dear readers, raise a glass for the 2009 BIG Cheese: Richard “Balloon Boy Dad” Heene.
As a dad, I know I do some dumb stuff. As far Richard Heene is concerned, the cheese stands alone. His lust for the limelight was so insatiable, he decided to cook up a lie that his son, Falcon, was stuck in a huge floating Mylar balloon.
His ticket to instant fame and fortune was punched when the son accidentally outed him during a live television interview that the whole event was a hoax.
Heene’s stunt brought air traffic to a standstill, wasted emergency resources, and made several police officers wish they’d gone to the gym before chasing that dumb balloon.
As a result, Heene and his wife received jail sentences of 90 and 20 days, respectively. Way to go, dude. The family that does time together stays together.
Well, that’s it. Sadly, there are no more awards to give out. We’ve covered the Cheesiest of 2009. I hope that 2010 will be just as cheesy as the last. We’re only a few weeks into the new year and it already seems promising.
