String Cheese Article - XXXIV

Cheesy awards are a "cut" above the rest
by Aryn Corley

http://www.hcnonline.com/eastex/opinion/article_2ac360f6-be31-5f19-855f-4e8427dccfd8.html

The intrepid scientists at the Cheese Research Academy of the Pineywoods (C.R.A.P.) have once again devoted countless hours of research (and imbibing of adult beverages) to come up with the recipients of the 2011 Cheese Cutter Awards.
The Cheese Cutter Award is bestowed to those lucky few who have made the previous year seem like really bad morning breath. After all, there are thousands of awards given every year for excellence. Why not have ONE award each year for outstanding mediocrity? Remember, that without the dimness, the stars wouldn’t seem so bright. Without any further emission of greenhouse gasses, pull up a chair, grab a cold beverage, and let’s start cuttin’ cheese!
So it begins.
Chivalry isn’t dead, it just smells funny. That’s why the first award on the list goes to the Cheesiest Woman. There were plenty of opportunities to give this award. Michelle Obama gets an honorable mention for breaking protocol and hugging Queen Elizabeth. The gaffe created controversy because The Queen doesn’t even hug her husband Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh! Sarah Palin, last year’s recipient, continues to show a strong presence in this category with her “No retreat, reload” rhetoric. However, there was one woman above all others who was “Russian” to get the prize. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Woman award goes to...
Anna Chapman, Russian Spy.
In June of 2010, Chapman plead guilty to the charge of failing to register as a foreign agent. Apparently, you have a permit to spy on “The Gummint”. It’s unclear as to what information she was actually collecting. It was probably something along the lines of Starbucks locations and pizza delivery schedules. It was her “girl next door” good looks that garnered her notoriety and begged the question, “Where can I get a Russian girl like that to spy on me?”
Speaking of government...
The next award is for the Cheesiest Government Action. Bloated bureaucracies and reems of red tape are the breeding grounds for great comedy. Government lulus are usually at the expense of the taxpayer. The Transportation Security Administration made a strong showing when they kicked off their Grope-A-Palooza tour to fight terrorism. All be darned if any old ladies and young children were going to smuggle contraband onto our planes. The mid-term elections could be seen as some as a clear winner. Many incumbents lost to vrtually unknown challengers with Mickey Mouse receiving well over 25 percent of the vote in many heated elections. However, there was only one government action which took the cheese in this virtual “rat race”. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Government Action goes to...
the Iranian Space program.
In February, 2010, the Iranian government launched its first rocket into space. The astronauts aboard were hand chosen by the space agency from an elite group of candidates. Those with the “right stuff” included a rat, two turtles, and several worms. All were returned back to the Earth alive and given a ticker tape parade on the streets of Tehran. I heard the worms drank too much Tequila. Ahmadinejad was not only happy about his country’s successful space flight, but he was also pleased the two turtles remembered the arming sequences for a nuclear warhead. How nutty is it that a country, whose first astronaut is a rat, wins an award made from cheese?
Speaking of nuts...
Every year, we give an award for the Cheesiest Media Moment. This award is for the media who not only beat dead horses, but also beat the glue made from them. Endless coverage of the Tiger Woods scandal almost proved to be victorious. It’s too bad the philandering Tiger plays better golf than the straight-and-narrow Tiger. Who could forget the media snafu surrounding the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien? It seemed like the peacock network laid a huge egg when it moved around it’s schedule to accommodate Jay Leno, who after leaving the Tonight Show, was replaced by Conan O’Brien only to be re-replaced by Jay Leno. Still, it wasn’t enough to bring home the yellow in this category. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Media Moment goes to...
World Cup Vuvuzelas.
The feel-good event of 2010, the World Cup soccer championship, was shrouded by millions of plastic trumpets being blown all at once. The result was a sound that sounded like a million angry bees chasing a buffalo stampede. Coverage of the event seemed like a two week long vuvuzela concert with an occasional soccer game thrown in. Vuvuzelas crept their way from the soccer pitch onto other programs like CSI: World Cup and Law and Order: Breach of the Peace Unit. If aliens invade our planet and try to destroy it, don’t take it personally. They’ve come for the vuvuzelas.
Speaking of mankind...
Who will get the Cheesiest Dude award? Will it be Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg for the seemingly endless problems with user privacy and his apparent inability to give an interesting interview? Nope. Will it be Charlie Sheen who’s antics of the small screen usually (albeit allegedly) involve police, controlled substances, and the occasional hooker trapped in a hotel bathroom? Nope. The winner would have to be a man who’s not afraid to let his inner Tammy Faye Bakker out. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Dude goes to....
Speaker of the House John Boehner.
The old saying “When the going gets tough, the tough cry and look like a dweeb” certainly applies to congressman Boehner. Whether it’s talking to Leslie Stahl on “60 Minutes”, giving an acceptance speech on election night, or talking about the Cowboys not making the playoffs, Boehner rarely misses the opportunity to turn on the water. For being third in line to ascend the presidency, you’d think there’d be a little more stoicism. It’s probably a good thing Boehner’s mascara is waterproof.
Speaking of kidney failure...
We’ve finally come to the last award: the Big Cheese. This award goes to that which was the most cheesy and the biggest goof of 2010. The award could have gone to those Chilean miners who, after spending 69 days trapped underground without a Justin Beiber concert, fought to be the last miner out of the mine. The award could have gone to British Petroleum for the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf which was so massive they ran out of wildlife to soak up the oil. Luckily, there was one who was a real strikeout...
And now... the moment you’ve been waiting for. The winner of the 2010 Big Cheese award goes to...(drum roll)
The New York Yankees.(applause)
The Yankees had spent somewhere in the neighborhood of a zillion dollars to get the best baseball players in the universe. Additionally, the Almighty moved George Steinbrenner to the “more major” league. Regardless of the talent, the money, and the most expensive hot dogs in major league baseball the Yankees were unable to defend their title as World Series champions. I feel obliged to note that their “sure thing” season was brought to a screeching halt by the Texas Rangers.
Booyah!!!
That does it for the 2010 Cheese Cutter awards. I hope the coming year is just as cheesy as the last.
Please leave this article face up next to the commode.

String Cheese Article - XXXIII

Christmas: It’s the fraught that counts

Posted: Tuesday, December 21, 2010 1:10 am

Christmas is only a couple of days away and I’m woefully negligent in getting my Christmas shopping done.

Sure, I could blame it on some external cause and come up with an excuse like “I can’t stand holiday crowds” or “I don’t have enough ammo to go Christmas shopping.” Truthfully, I’ve been afraid to give the crummiest gift.

If there was a country on this planet full of people who give cheap and thoughtless gifts, I would be their leader. It’s not that I intend to give Christmas presents that nobody likes, it’s just that I seem to pick the one’s the people really don’t want.

For example, a female friend of mine had a very small child who suffered from colic and cried quite a lot. Not her, but the child. Anyway, I decided to give her a box full of clean, hypoallergenic rags for Christmas. She had no idea why I had given them to her and she couldn’t figure out what they were for. I told her if she got tired of the kid crying she could stuff one of those cloths in its mouth.

Whoops. It wasn’t until I had a colicky baby of my own that I realized how insensitive I was.

I have to admit though, the rag trick works.

I guess I could re-gift an item. That seems to be the trend these days. I once got a Chia Pet from a friend and the tag read, “Ken, you are a great guy.” As I look around my hovel, I don’t see anything that could be re-gifted without seeming totally obvious.

Let’s see. I have loads of squirrel meat that would make a nice stocking stuffer. Who doesn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hankering for some squirrel stew? I have many rolls of “environmentally friendly” toilet paper. On second thought, I better keep those. I know! I have several bottles of Amoxicillin left over from the last time I had a really nasty sinus infection. That would be a nice gift considering how expensive prescription drugs have gotten.

Whoever said, “It’s better to give than to receive” obviously never received anything. That saying puts an incredible amount of responsibility on the giver. Logically, if it were truly better to receive than give, then the flu would be more popular.

Unfortunately, gifts are incredibly scrutinized by the receiver and are seen as benchmarks for how well you like a person or not. Can you imagine how much hate mail I got when I gave all of my law enforcement friends their own copy of “Brokeback Mountain?”

Whoever said, “It’s the thought that counts” never gave any copies of “Brokeback Mountain” to a bunch of cops. I’m still trying to pay off those tickets.

Probably, I’ll just have to lay low until this whole Christmas thing blows over. I’ll just tell my friends I was abducted by aliens and I’ll get them gifts on Columbus Day.

Besides, if any of them really want to unwrap something from me on Christmas morning I’ll get them a dozen tamales.

I hope that each and every one of you have a very Cheesy Christmas!