String Cheese - Article XXVII

Don’t mock my smock

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 11.23.09

Picture this: you feel chilly and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

It’s not the type of chill felt by Eskimos or men who live with menopausal women, but it’s still pretty annoying. There’s nothing you do can stop it. You’ve turned up the thermostat. You’ve built a fire on the living room floor. You even poured jabanero sauce all over yourself. Nothing works. Thankfully, someone invented a cure.

It’s a blanket, but not just any blanket. It’s a blanket with sleeves.

It’s called a Snuggie, and like bacteria, they’re everywhere.

I wonder, though, if this is a passing fancy or the answer to the plight of thousands who don’t know how to use flannel shirts.

The commercial shows everyday folks over the age of 40 who are blissfully enjoying the comfort of a sleeved blanket. These people are so happy and warm they don’t even care that they look like Gregorian monks. I guess when you’re suffering from chill, fashion sense is the first thing to go. One of the claims in the ad is that the Snuggie is “... great for college.”

I’ll say. No professor would dare fail you for wearing one in class for fear of having a spell cast on him.

The main selling point for the Snuggie is that it gives you the freedom to use your hands. I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt trapped like a bait shad laying underneath the heavy and oppressive quilt that my grandmother made with her arthritic hands. Although I’m warm and comfortable, I’m forced to work the television remote with my tongue. Plus, when I have to go to the bathroom I just go in the bed, couch, or wherever I happen to be parked.

Snuggies come in three colors: royal blue, sky blue, and secret society red. I wish they had one in solid black to go with the enormous wooden scythe I have in my garage. I could wear that black Snuggie while chopping weeds in my subdivision. However, that might be a bad idea given the number of retirees who live in the neighborhood.

While it may seem like a revolutionary idea, it’s not. People have been doing this for hundreds of years. They would take a deer and cut the head and feet out and wear the hide like a shirt. The idea worked like a charm until a bunch of guys got shot during hunting season. In Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper,” everyone is wearing a Snuggie. Including the Big Man himself!

Whether I’m at the grocery store, the hardware store, or my local cabal, there’s a Snuggie on the shelf waiting to go home with some lucky consumer. I can’t go anywhere without seeing a Snuggie for sale.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about just stay up really late some night and watch a channel that has mindless drivel as its entertainment. That shouldn’t be hard and the Snuggie commercial isn’t easy to miss, either.

I’m glad there’s a remedy for such an affliction. Being chilly versus freezing is a terrible thing because it prolongs discomfort for an unspecified period of time. Whereas, at least when a person freezes, death brings an end to the discomfort.

All that notwithstanding, it’s extremely difficult to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians in a semi-cryogenic state.

String Cheese - Article XXVI

Guy rules are man-datory

by Aryn Corley
Updated: 11.18.09

It takes more than rewiring to become a guy.Being a guy requires a healthy dose of macho laced with a slight touch of immaturity. I ought to know. I’ve been doing this for a few years and I’ve gotten somewhat good at it.

The recent gender re-assignment of Chastity “Chaz” Bono lead me to think about what comes next for the former female. This article is for anyone deciding to leave womanhood to wander aimlessly through the woods of “Dudeland.” It’s also important for one to know how to earn its currency: “man credit.”

Man credit is that which makes other men look at you with an approving frown and corresponding head bob. If you’ve ever been to a car show, you know what I’m talking about. I hope this information is extremely helpful to make the transition to guy-hood complete and rewarding. I realize I may be giving away some closely guarded secrets, but it’s for the ultimate good of humanity.

I think.

It’s very important for a guy to be able to handle insects and open jars. These two skills are the only things keeping us teetering on the edge of extinction. Otherwise, we’d helplessly fall into a dark chasm of obscurity filled with yummy, creamy gravy. A woman will place a long distance phone call to have a guy come over from Europe to scoop up a dead cockroach. Jars present an interesting conundrum because, technically, it is a piece of machinery. Being able to kill spiders, make babies, and open the pickles makes us guys only a tad more useful than a Swiss Army knife.

Goodbye, Prada. Hello, Mossy Oak. The bright colors of spring and the subdued hues of fall must be thrown out the window in favor of camouflage. Color coordination is very easy when you dress like a tree.The key to a guy looking nice is having a woman who knows how to tell him how ridiculous he looks when he picks his own clothes. Guys must never shop alone for apparel unless he’s buying Garanimals. Stay away from biker leather unless you actually ride a motorcycle. Loincloths are dicey. Everything goes great with a NASCAR cap.

Guys are beasts complete with hair and grunting. Beasts eat meat. Guys are no exception. If it was cool to be a vegetarian as a woman, the opposite is true for guys. If you want to instantly lose man credit, be a vegetarian who drinks flavored water. To earn copious amounts of man-cred learn how to hunt and eat the cutest animals in the forest. If you can bag Thumper, Flower, and Bambi with nothing but a chainsaw, then you are well on your way to legendary status.

Spanish television. ’Nuff said.

Confucius once said, “Man who ask for directions is lost.” Under no circumstances are guys supposed to ask for directions. Why? Simply, put... just because. Guys aren’t lost when we drive around for hours cussing and blaming city engineers for poor traffic configurations. If we hit the OnStar button in the car it’s because the woman on the other end sounds attractive. It’s hard to be lost when everything is just around the corner.

The sense of humor between women and men are at opposite ends of the spectrum. If gender reassignment is truly successful, then Will and Grace stops being funny. Lifetime television starts to become a powerful sedative. What emerges is a fascination with rude bodily functions. Even though I’m 30 years older than my son, we’ll both die laughing with every “Bronx Cheer.” When a guy has grandchildren, he is instantly imparted with the knowledge to practice the fine art of posterior-digital actuation control. Elevators suddenly become fun houses.

I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. “Uh...”, as an answer to the question “Do you know what day it is?” is a subject worthy of a doctorate thesis. I wish anyone wanting to be a guy the best of luck. Sometimes, it can get a little crazy.

However, there is one cardinal rule which must always be followed.

Leave the lid up.