SNA AWARD WINNING COLUMNIST

I won a Surburban Newspapers of America Award for my headline I wrote for my lovebug article! Hopefully, this will be the first of many.

http://www.hcnonline.com/articles/2009/01/31/cleveland_advocate/news/0609advocate_wins_awards_ca.txt

ASP Westward LP

Houston Community Newspapers, Cleveland Advocate-HCN

Cleveland, TX

3rd Place, Classes A/B Combined

CATEGORY 6-Best Headline

Nobody Loves Bugs by Aryn Conley*

*mispelled; should read 'Corley'.

Please read the article below:
Nobody Loves Bugs Like Lovebugs Love Bugs
http://aryncorley.blogspot.com/2008/09/string-cheese-article-thirteen.html

Thanks.

Lucky Stars with Nigel

I play a character on the radio named "Nigel". We do the bit on Wednesdays at about 7:50 a.m. CST. He's a British psychic who gives horrible horroscopes. If you're interested in hearing the bit just click the following link:

http://www.livingston.net/classichits/audio.php

Here are the Lucky Stars for 1-28-2009.

Taurus: Your friends are important to you. Especially the one who stays on the couch.

Virgo: You may need to take time out of your day to deal with your mate or someone else who really annoys you.

Scorpio: Someone is going to ask a question which will totally boggle your mind. It will most likely be "Would you like to upsize that?"

Aquarius: Finacnial information isn't as helpful as usual today. Not to worry. Just keep putting your ATM card into the machine until it runs out of funny green paper.

Feng Shui Tip of the Day:

     If you want to "un-muddy" the waters of your life... flush.

String Cheese - Article Twenty

Some greetings are hands-on experiences

By ARYN CORLEY

As long as there have been homosapiens pretending to be people, they’ve needed a way to greet one another. Since hind end sniffing was monopolized by canines, the handshake was developed.

Trust me. It’s a good thing. Otherwise, walking into the front doors at church on Sunday morning would be pretty weird.

Accepted as a universal sign of good will, the handshake is one of those gestures that spans across cultures and breaks down language barriers. Just like sticking out your tongue fourteen times and humming “nanny nanny boo-boo.”

Although the meaning of the handshake is relatively unambiguous, not all handshakes are created equal. In fact, the handshake you get is as much a unique characteristic of the person giving it as their signature.

In Texas, you’re most likely to get a firm handshake from just about everyone including newborns. I think it’s a reflection of our friendly nature. Personally, I like firm handshakes. Especially from women 30 or older.

However, if you go anywhere else you’re likely to get what I call a “sick clam.”

The “sick clam” is that kind of half handshake where the other person barley pinches the tips of your fingers with a cold, clammy hand. The whole affair makes me feel creepy like I’ve just been gummed by an 80-year-old mollusk.

Conversely, I don’t like having the “tortilla press” applied to me either.

The “tortilla press” is where the giver is less concerned with your well-being and more concerned about squishing your hand into one flat uniform piece like a tortilla. It seems like the more your face turns purple and your eyes water, the harder the other person squeezes. Luckily, it’s only men who do this. Otherwise, the resultant swift kick to the [deleted] wouldn’t be as effective.

Recently, I was talking to a friendly 18-year-old person from inner-city Houston. The handshake started off normal enough, but quickly morphed into a series of manual somersaults and machinations that made me feel like I was in a dance routine rather than just saying, “Hello.” By the time it was over, I felt confused about what had just happened, yet refreshed that I’d gotten such a workout. It was all I could do just to follow along. I call that handshake “The Simon Sez.”

Fist bumping has become popular lately. This is accomplished by two people who don’t want the commitment and intimacy of a legitimate handshake, but want something more substantial than a “high five.”

Too bad. I really liked the high five.

It was about the only way you could slap someone in public without getting the police involved. The downside to the “high five” is that it needed to be rehearsed at least 15 times. There’s nothing more embarrassing, or funny, about seeing two people awkwardly miss each other’s hands and landing right on the other person’s forehead.

Howie Mandel, host of NBC television’s insipid game show “Deal, or No Deal,” prefers not to shake hands with people because he’s afraid of germs. He opts instead for a trendy fist bump. Sadly, Howie doesn’t know about the Fistodollas bacillus germs that are spread by fist bumping and causes impotence and baldness. Ironically, most deals are closed with a handshake.

Of course, it’s almost impossible to engage someone in a handshake without making a few gaffs.

I once tried to shake hands with a guy who was missing an arm. Oops. Wrong hand.

In some cultures, shaking with the wrong hand could prove to be very insulting.

Generally speaking, one shouldn’t try to shake hands with the dead.

Regardless, handshakes have been around for hundreds of years and will be around for hundreds more. Perhaps, the best policy is simply to keep our hands to ourselves.

Speaking of handshakes, try this riddle:

Suppose six people shake hands with each other. How many handshakes are there?

Hint: The answer is somewhere in this article.

Have fun!

String Cheese - Article Nineteen

Old promises help ring in New Year

By ARYN CORLEY

Someone asked me a question just the other day.

“What’s your New Year’s Resolution?“

I stared back at the person with an utterly blank look on my face.

Honestly, I really haven’t given it much thought. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I made a New Year’s Resolution. It’s not that I’m perfect and could do without self-improvement. I’d love to have another set of arms. I could probably do something to make myself better in some way.

But why?

Most folks make New Year’s Resolutions to give themselves a goal to work forward to in the coming year. According the usa.gov website, among the most popular resolutions people make every year are pledging to quit smoking, saving more money, getting fit, and reducing stress. While those are admirable and somewhat lofty goals for some people, I don’t know if any of those goals are realistic. Sadly, I don’t know of anyone who has ever bragged about keeping a New Year’s Resolution. It seems resolutions are doomed to fail and meet their peril only mere hours after their declaration.

Much like a celebrity marriage.

If you listen carefully, you can hear the desperate cries of help from these poor resolutions as they go careening off the cliff of human nature and smashing onto the rocks of our collective pathological behavior below.

There goes one now. Did you hear it?

Do we unnecessarily set ourselves up for failure? I feel sympathetic to people who try to quit smoking. Just when the smoker has gone several weeks without “sparking up,” a precipitating factor occurs which facilitates a craving for a nice, slow drag on a cancer stick. Usually around tax time.

I used to be a smoker myself and found quitting to be very difficult. However, my decision to quit wasn’t made out of a hackneyed attempt to follow tradition. Rather, I needed to stop smoking because it was expensive and, according to my wife, I looked like an idiot with my cigarette dangling precariously on my lip like some kind of third-rate James Dean.

So, instead of lighting a cigarette when I get stressed out, I opt for banging baby hamsters with a large hardcover book.

Not really.

Breaking a resolution must make people feel bad. Nobody likes to fail. That is, of course, anybody outside of government service. Starting off the year with one strike against you is depressing. That’s pretty bad if you’ve made a resolution not to be depressed.

Instead of making silly resolutions to eliminate some aspect of our personality, why not make a resolution that will enhance it? It’s our imperfections that add flavor to who we are as people. It gives our lives meaning. If people were perfect, marriage would be pointless.

Instead of declaring to stop biting fingernails, declare that fingernails must be bitten with chocolate on them.

I also see no harm in making an easy to follow and universally acceptable resolution. For instance, it would be difficult to find anyone who would disagree with a resolution stating one would use more hand sanitizer. From a public health perspective, that’s a very good resolution to have.

The bottom line is that resolutions, whether they’re genuine, or just a feeble attempt to get a member of the opposite sex to acknowledge your existence, should be well thought out and attainable. Otherwise, you’ll beat yourself up all year long.

After a brief pause, I responded to the person I was talking to.

“This year,” I said. “I’m not making any more bad jokes.”

Whoops.

There goes another one...