String Cheese - Article Nine

Proper Gratuity just 'TIP' of the Iceberg
by Aryn Corley

Chances are, you know someone who’s done it at least once.
You can definitely get better at it with a little practice.
After it’s done, I sometimes feel good.
Sometimes, I think I did it too much.
Of course, I’m talking about tipping.
As long as there are people on the planet. the custom of kicking back a little extra coin for service will remain. It’s unclear where the custom originated.
I’ve heard that the word “tips” is an acronym for “to insure proper service.” I’ve also heard that it refers to tipping the scales in one’s favor. Despite the shady etymology of the word, the practice leaves me wondering just what the heck am I supposed to do?
I’ve gotten better at it, but it’s cost me a lot of money and trouble.
I was in a situation not too long ago where I was unsure if I should tip the nice lady driving the airport shuttle. After she dropped me off she stood there looking at me as if I’d forgotten something. Luckily, I played stupid. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a pack of gum.
“Want some?” She got back on the shuttle and drove off without a word. I guess she didn’t like spearmint.
The most likely place you’re going to tip is at a restaurant. Hotels, airports, barbershops and valet parking are other places where tipping is generally accepted. Crack dealers are not entitled to tips mainly because they fail to report their earnings to the IRS.
I’m going to lay down three very simple suggestions to act as a guide. Please keep in mind these are only suggestions.
First suggestion: Reward good work with your tip. If you get great service, let that person know with a couple of Washingtons and an “Honest Abe.” Be sure it’s the paper kind and not quarters and nickels. Conversely, if the service stinks, don’t reward it. I used to leave cruddy tips for cruddy service in the base of an inverted water glass. It’s an old magician’s trick where a glass is left upside down on a table full of water. I would only do this if I got terrible service and I knew I wasn’t coming back.
Second suggestion: Tip what you feel is appropriate. The general consensus is that 15 percent is generally acceptable for restaurant service. I figure about $.75 per $5 dollars of the bill. I will usually round the bill up or down to the nearest five. Skycaps, valets, bellhops and pizza delivery personnel can get by with a couple of bucks tip. If you’re staying in Armenia and the valet parks your car, it’s totally acceptable to tip him a goat.
Third suggestion: Don’t feel obligated to tip. Don’t get suckered by “guilt cans” left at the front of the cash register at some fine establishments. I thought about walking into some of these places and putting my own can out that reads “FREE STUFF.” Nobody likes to get “stiffed” or be a “stiff.” A “stiff” is someone who doesn’t pay a tip and not getting paid a tip is called getting “stiffed.” When I worked as a waiter, I got stiffed a couple of times. It happens.
Because of instant gratuity on groups larger than eight or more, I’ll only go out with a group of seven or less. The smaller group of us that dines together usually ends up giving a bigger tip than we would have if our other friends had not been forced to wait outside!
Tipping should be on your terms with what you feel is acceptable, how much is acceptable, and if it’s appropriate. It’s nice to give a little extra to those who have gone above and beyond to help you. I hope that these simple suggestions take some of the pain out of kissing your cash goodbye.
Remember what the leper said to his urologist, “You can keep the tip.”