String Cheese - Article XXVI

Wieners Usually Write the History Books
by Aryn Corley

    Recently the Texas Board of Education voted to make some changes to the state curriculum which some feel are politically motivated changes. The hotbed of controversy is centered around the issue of potential information contained in new social studies textbooks.

    Proponents of the changes argue that social studies textbooks are "liberally biased". While opponents of the changes claim that such change is based in "ideology" and not "fact".

    Personally, I feel that the nut view is under represented.

    I've had several people inquire as to where my articles have been these past weeks. To be perfectly honest (a phrase often used by those who think what they are about to say totally lacks credulity), I've been writing my own social studies textbook for all of the pointy-headed children of the world who need to be entertained instead of being educated. 
   Hopefully, my textbook will be well received and will be purchased by several State's Board of Education for hefty sums. 
   Every culture on the planet prohibits stealing, yet overcharging for textbooks seems to be perfectly acceptable.

   The problem with many textbooks is they're written in an uninteresting manner and loaded down with too many facts. Kids don't care that the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower in 1962. They want to hear about how the pilgrims fought with pirates the whole way, how the ship crashed violently at the feet of the Statue of Liberty, and how half of the crew was eaten by Jaws.

   The story of the first Thanksgiving places less emphasis on the interaction of peoples from different cultures and more on the bloodshed arising from disagreements over who was going to pick up the tab. The pilgrims believed the Indains should pay the whole thing while the Indians thought everyone wanted to "go Dutch".

   My text would likewise address the particular controversy that our country was founded on either religious or secular values. In reality, our country was founded on the basis of instant gratification, convenience, and free high speed internet for all people. According to my book, the Boston Tea Party was overwhelming opposition to socialized health care and The Constitution is a patchwork of "tweets" gleaned from Twitter. 
   After Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity, he promptly posted the results to his Facebook page. The Declaration of Independence is nothing more than an End User License Agreement which required 3/4ths of the states to click the "I Agree" button for ratification.

    As for the Civil War, my book will leave it out completely, due to a lack of anything relevant or exciting about the whole affair. It will be replaced with an extensive chronicling of Beverly Hills:90210 episode synopses. Kids are less interested in the Battle of Gettysburg and more interested in Battle of the Bands (ref. 90210:Season 3).

   Emancipation? Not in there.

   Women's suffrage? Boring.

   Japanese internment camps ? Nope.

   The death of Anna Nicole Smith? Now, that's history!

   Since Texas schools purchase so many "approved" textbooks, the decisions about which textbooks are "safe" have an academic ripple effect across the country. Picking the right book is a very important thing which should not be trifled with. 
   I hope that my textbook, "The Completely True, Unabridged, Annotated and Voted on History of the One True Amerika", is chosen so the multitudes of children can be taught that Abraham Lincoln flashed a five dollar bill every time the cops asked for his identification.

   Let's face it, the classroom is no place to be giving children ideas.