2008 Olympics: The Year of the Rat
by Aryn Corley
Let the games begin.
In August of 2008, the games of the 29th Olympiad will be held in Beijing, China, amid the tumultuous masses unable to finish their third helping of General Tso’s chicken.
However, the games are already mired in controversy like a child’s toy slathered with generous helpings of lead-based paint.
The hullabaloo centers on China and its disaffection for Tibet. For those “out-of-the-loop,” Tibet is a province of China, which wants its independence and has no bikini team.
Strangely and probably due to Tibet’s Hollywood cheerleader, Richard Gere, Tibet is the world’s largest renter of the movie “Pretty Woman.”
Activists groups are calling for a boycott of the Olympics because of China’s harsh treatment of the Tibetan people. China’s reaction toward Tibet is the same as ours would be if Louisiana wanted its independence from the US.
Nevermind.
The Chinese may be a little heavy-handed in the way they mete out justice, but it keeps the graffiti off that big wall.
Some people think the International Olympic Committee made a big mistake by selecting China as a host nation for the Olympics. Such a blunder should be worthy of the IOC to change its initials to mean “Interfering with Original Coke.” The Olympic Torch relay has even been cut short, or outright canceled, in some cities because of safety concerns. I’m sure there’s a joke about the Olympic flame being in San Francisco, but I just can’t think of one.
Personally, I see the proverbial glass as half full of germs and bacteria. I’m fiendishly optimistic about the games being held in the country that pioneered gunpowder, fire drills and water torture.
I can just picture the opening ceremonies. The athletes from the other countries come running into the stadium in pure horror while tanks and “goose-stepping” army men escort the Chinese National Team. The Olympic flame would then be lit by one huge nuclear missile while the Chinese discus champ, Hu Flung Pu, looks on in patriotic wonder.
Then, all the malcontent youth could go get a Mao Tse-tung piercing?
I’m hoping there’ll be modifications to some of the games. You know, to make things a little more interesting. Who wouldn’t like to see 10 meter platform diver Jessica Livingston do an inward dive into a tank full of hammerhead sharks? Instead of a baton, the runners of the 4 x 100 meter relay can pass an egg roll.
If you come in last place for any of the events, it’s off to the stockade. The Chinese really have an opportunity to add a little flavor to the otherwise inherently drab Olympic competition.
I would love some brand new events to be added to the Olympic games. For example, there’s rickshaw driving. How cool would it be to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. win a gold medal for pulling tourists around an oval track for four hours? Instead of javelins, why not throw a chopstick to see how far it will go? I would suggest cat herding, but, as I understand it to be, cats are hard to find just roaming the streets there.
Of course the Olympics wouldn’t be the same without the blatant commercialism that comes with it. I fully expect Olympic sponsors to embrace the Chinese. I can totally see General Electric running ads like: “G.E., we bring good things to life. Flip the switch. It’s dead again.” Maybe we’d be fortunate to see a Wrigley’s gum ad, which proclaims, “Double your torture. Double your fun.” What could be more heartwarming than the ads showing the hundreds of underpaid workers laboring in a sweatshop making shoes for the Olympians with the words underneath reading: “Just Do It”?
The Olympics are an opportunity for nations to unite for a common purpose: to pit their steroid users against ours. The games shouldn’t be politicized or be used as a forum to bring about change. That’s what wars are for. The games are just that: games. Besides, if China does a good job with these Olympics, maybe the IOC could hold the next ones in Iraq.
I can’t help but recall the wisdom of that great Chinese philosopher and fortune cookie scribe, Confucius, who said, “ Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crumby.”
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