In some way
or another everybody uses drugs to enhance their performance. It is the
American way. Nature has dealt mankind a cruel hand in a game where the deck is
often is stacked against us. We have neither wings, fangs, feathers, claws nor
fur to help us get by. Instead we use our ingenuity to manufacture substances
(extra-natural to ourselves) which give that little extra “nudge” to level the
playing field.
Lance
Armstrong went on Oprah Winfrey’s television show to tell the world he used
performance enhancing drugs. Apparently, Oprah was the last one to know.
Welcome to
the rest of the world, Lance.
Lance
Armstrong lied, and cheated to get lots of money and he could not have done it
without the help of some chemicals and a lot of postage stamps. Speaking of
steroids, I have to dump all of my stock in yellow spandex now that Lance
Armstrong and Hulk Hogan are retired.
While I
cannot condone what he did to his own reputation and the sport of bicycles it
is not surprising to me what he did. We all put a little “something-something”
in the tank to get up and over the hill. Let he who is in glass house cast the
first stone.
Caffeine is the most widely used drug in the
world. There are many people who simply use it to get going in the morning.
Even though getting out of bed is not like winning the Tour de France, for some
it is a victory nonetheless. The beverage industry rakes in billions of dollars
per year selling caffeine to the masses. I used to drink a horrible liquid
called Jolt Cola when I was a kid. It was purported to have twice the caffeine
as other soft drinks. It was the perfect fuel for acne riddled, pre-pubescent
kids who needed to sustain long periods of attention deficit disorder.
Alcohol is
widely used by musicians, politicians, clergy, and just about anyone who
drives. It was once outlawed by a constitutional amendment which lasted about
as long as a New Year’s resolution to become more physically fit. Lots of
people use and abuse alcohol for various reasons. Some folks need it to get by
while others need it to get through all the verses of “Love Shack” on karaoke
night. I am not naming any names but I hear that in the right doses it can help
one become a better dancer. Maybe Brad Paisley was right.
What about
the “little blue pill” that keeps grandpa from rolling out of the bed at night?
Or, what about the drug that is “ready when you are” to go sit in a bathtub in
a country meadow with your significant other while gnats bite? If that is not
the epitome of performance enhancing drugs, then I do not know what is. Mother Nature
has a vested interest in men cashing in their reproductive chips. Thanks to
these little wonder drugs we have guys who are way past their prime trolling
the hallways of nursing homes like zombies with their hospital gowns on
backward.
So it goes.
Lance
Armstrong did what a lot of people do when they want to get ahead of everyone
else. He cheated to win and got caught. For him the cost is much greater than
the rest of us who are without fame and fortune and get to enjoy the occasional
cup of coffee, cold beer, or roll-in-the-hay without much of anybody caring.
All hope is
not lost for Lance. Even though he is banned from professional cycling for the
next nine-trillion years he can still pursue a professional athletic career in testing
treadmills.
I have to hand it to Lance. Coming clean took a lot of ball.
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