Soccer Has Leg Up on other Sports

by Aryn Corley

I don’t know what is going on with me right now, but I just can’t get enough soccer.

Maybe it’s because I played soccer as a kid, maybe it’s in my Latino blood. It could be because I told my son if he didn’t play soccer and score any goals, I’d buy something for his sister with his college fund. Right now I’m a soccer junkie and it’s driving my friends and family crazy.

Many of my friends don’t even follow sports. They tend to gravitate towards activities that involve shooting stuff. Talking soccer with them is like trying to explain a Playboy magazine to a blind guy.

The mere mention of the start of the Barclay’s Premier League brings a look on their faces that could only be described as “bored spitless.” By the way, the Premier League started on Aug. 16 and runs for nine months. Go, Manchester United!

Still, I don’t understand what’s not to like about soccer. The rules are simple: don’t use your hands while kicking a ball around for 90 minutes until you or someone else accidentally scores a goal. A goal is worth one point, which is very helpful to the mathematically challenged.

If the referee decides you need a warning, you get a yellow card. If the referee decides you’re stealing his oxygen, you get a red card, which removes you from the game and also alerts the valet to bring your car. Nobody even has to say a word.

Knowing this, it’s easy to see why it’s a very popular sport.

I will admit there are some shortcomings to the sport. Ties should be broken by a fistfight. To allow a game to end in a 0-0 tie is a disservice to fans of the sport. The whole purpose of sports is to pit winners against losers. The absence of cheerleaders at soccer games is a detriment. Let’s face it, the NY Jets have some really great cheerleaders. Otherwise, how would they sell out games?

My favorite thing about watching soccer on television are the announcers. It’s become an unofficial custom to shout “Goal!” and hold it as long as possible. There’s an announcer guy on Telemundo (Spanish-speaking television station) who can say “Goal!” for at least 40 seconds. In television land, that is a commercial and a half!

It usually goes something like this:

“Bladda bladda Lopez bladda bladda... bladda.... bladda bladda... GOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!

Try doing that in any other profession.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Brown, your test results show you have a brain TOOOOOOOOOOOOMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!“

I’ve been trying to catch the Olympic soccer coverage on television, but the games are always on just after I lose consciousness. I get the results from the Internet, then download the highlights from You Tube. It makes me feel like a psychic.

Lately, I’ve been trolling E-Bay and buying soccer shirts on the cheap.

“Stop buying soccer shirts,” my wife tells me. “You have one for every day of the week.”

Meanwhile, I have no room in the closet for my new shirts because her clothes take up too much space. Don’t even get me started on the shoes.

One of my favorites is my jersey for the Guadalajara Chivas (translated: The Goats). On the front, in big red letters, is the word “BIMBO.” Bimbo is the world’s third largest bakery and is based in Mexico City.

However, she won’t go with me in public when I’m wearing that shirt.

I guess she doesn’t want to be seen with a goat.