String Cheese - Article Twelve

Nothing stinks like gas prices
by Aryn Corley

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in Iraq, for that matter), you don’t need me to tell you the price of gas is too freakin’ high.While “Big Oil” is posting record profits every quarter, we, the American people, have to find new and creative ways to get from Point A to Point B.

Lately, I’ve been seeing lots of people riding horses. It’s funny to think we’ve come full circle and are once again relying on our equine friends. Man has used horses to get around for thousands of years. Why should we quit now?While I don’t mind people riding horses down the middle of town on a busy day, I just wish they had blinkers on their backsides. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when one is turning.
Mobility scooters have become popular recently with the older set. Some of these things can zip along at almost 10 miles per hour! I hope they’ll have scooter races at the new motorsports park. Not only are they battery-powered, but they’re also quiet and clean for the environment. No harmful fumes to peck away at the ozone layer.

That is, of course, unless the driver has eaten enchiladas for lunch.

It worries me though when I see an octogenarian with a Tony Stewart complex driving one of these things on a paved road. If you get hit by one of these things, you may have to go to the clinic to have it removed. I’m hoping if I make it to 80, the hovercraft will have been perfected.

The high price of gasoline has also sparked dialogue about the research and development of alternative fuels. Bio-diesel is a term that’s been kicked around in the news lately as a possible source of alternative fuel. Basically, your car’s engine is modified to run using vegetable oil. There’s actually something kind of cool about the idea of driving a French fryer. If this catches on, McDonald’s might install pumps in its drive-through. Willie Nelson’s tour bus apparently runs on bio-diesel. Some of his fans say that it’s harder to find his tour bus now because it smells like French fries instead of “Hippie Lettuce.”

Electricity is always an option, but for some reason people don’t like the idea of having to put in all those “AA” batteries. The average automobile would take about 10,000 of those little guys. Another problem with electric cars is power. If you live 20 miles away from work, you’d be hard pressed to find an extension cord that long. There is one plus though. To jump-start an electric car, instead of using those annoying cables, just drag your feet across shag carpeting, then touch it.

Youch!

While all of these things are a step in the right direction toward quelling or dependence on fossil fuels, they still miss the mark. I’m not an engineer or a research scientist. However, I think I have an idea that will revolutionize the petroleum industry and usher in a new era of American ingenuity.

(Drum roll)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: the BS engine.

(Thunderous applause)

The concept is very simple: an engine that runs on BS. Everywhere in our great country, thousands of tons of BS are generated every day. There’s so much BS, it’s unreal. The average American spends most of their day at work and at home wading through BS. In fact, our government practically runs on it already. There has got to be a useful application for all of the BS in the world. Ironically, it’s BS that’s driving up the price of gas. With a BS engine, the typical American family could continuously fill it up without ever having to spend a single penny on fuel.

Whether the BS came from work, home, or television, it wouldn’t matter where the BS came from because it would all work the same. Airplanes could even be outfitted with these engines. Imagine the possibility. After all, no place generates BS quite like an airport.

Some may think my humble idea is a joke, but I’m dead dog serious. Remember, it was the disbelievers and the “naysayers” who laughed at Thomas Edison when he invented Viagra.

I’ll be the first person on my block to have a car that’s totally powered by BS. And I already have the perfect fuel — String Cheese articles!