by Aryn Corley
I’m sick of politics.
To me, the presidential race is like a 10-day-old Thanksgiving turkey; it’s a cold, bland bird that’s outlived its usefulness and has little or no appeal. Much like Joan Rivers.
Just kidding, Joan. Can we talk?
With the way these candidates are taking shots at each other, Obama, Clinton, and McCain should be renamed Moe, Larry, and Curley, respectively. I must admit, though, I’d find the presidential debates more interesting if there was more eye-poking and a pie-in-the-face, or two. A town hall meeting would be the perfect place for the “Niagara Falls” bit.
Lately, the “Big Three” have been saying things, which weren’t exactly truthful. The candidates have “misspoke” regularly about their qualifications. It must be a virus. Personally, I enjoy the apologies and retractions. There’s been so much tap dancing that Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, and Gregory Hines have all been rolling in their graves.
Sadly, they’ve failed miserably at inspiring me to vote for them. Come to think of it, they’ve all failed miserably at bribing me to vote for them. Who else is there to capture the hearts and whines of the American people?
I like rooting for an underdog.
Our country was founded by underdogs. Bookies went broke covering the bets on the Revolutionary War. Written in the Bible is the story of a young man who slew a giant who had a severe allergy to being hit with rocks.
If we didn’t like underdogs, Rambo wouldn’t be popular.
So, I did some searching around the net on a quest for the political underdog for whom my vote will most likely be cast. I wanted to find an “Average Joe” who tossed his or her hat in the political ring the same way a bug slams itself into a windshield.
It’s all or nothing.
I’ve narrowed my search down to the following three candidates who I feel are honest, willing to do what’s best for the country, and maybe a little odd.
The first candidate for president is a representative of the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party named Jonathan Albert “The Impaler” Sharkey. Mr. Sharkey and his Death Dealers (sounds like a ‘50’s band, eh?) will impale terrorists, drug dealers, and other criminals along with the police. As a practicing Satanist, you can bet prayer breakfasts will probably be a little freaky. I can totally picture this guy traveling around the country breaking hands and dropping babies.
The next guy, Lee L. Mercer, is a Houstonian, and is running for President to put a stop to the “Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three).” It seems that the government put chips in our brains, which would explain why I sometimes dream about Doritos. Mr. Mercer vows to put an end to all this cloak and dagger stuff. Mercer would create such governmental entities like “The United States of America’s United States Department of Justice’s Research and Development Department” and “The United States of America’s United States Department of Defense’s Research and Development Department.” I’m sure the United States Department of Redundancy Department is sure to follow.
This final candidate is not in the same league as the previous two. I’m only including him because he’s got a great sense of humor, has a very slick-looking website, and his last name says it all. Steve Kissing (www.kissing4prez.org) declares “World Peace? Don’t look at me. I’m hoping to be president, not God.” You get the idea. If elected, Mr. Kissing promises that he and his wife will inaugurate the Lincoln bedroom properly. A politician who has relations with his wife? No way! The thing I found the most impressive about Mr. Kissing, besides his prompt response to my e-mail, is he’s the only third party candidate whose website didn’t have any grammatical or punctuation errors.
Truly a sign of insanity.
I’m glad to see there are everyday people who are running for president and being a part of the democratic process. They may not have a snowball’s chance, but neither did any of us when we were born. These folks are underdogs and I wish them all the best.
This discussion of underdogs reminds me of what Harry Truman once said: “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.”
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