String Cheese - Article Three

Texas Talk Tickles Tongues
by Aryn Corley

Us Texans talk funny.
When we speak, we use words like a monkey wielding a battle-axe. The Queen’s English becomes a hostage to our use of idiomatic expressions, bad grammar and completely made-up words.
To people who are non-Texan (God blessem), we probably sound like a bunch of people who just don’t care what the heck we say and how we say it.
They’re right.
In 2004, famous Texan Dan Rather made news of his own when he flexed his “Tex” while covering the presidential elections. His expressions were so colorful, it made the rest of the country go, “Huh?” As the night went on, he tried to top himself by coming up with more “Texisms.” My favorite quote of his was his reference to John Kerry’s impending loss.
“No question now that Kerry’s rapidly reaching the point where he’s got his back to the wall, his shirttail is on fire, and the bill collector’s knocking at the door.”
That sure is a lot nicer than saying, “Sucks to be Kerry!”
For the past eight years, fellow Texan and president, George “Dubya” Bush, has been a golden goose for comedians with his use of our native tongue.
Who cares if he uses the word “folks” more than 20 times during a press conference?
So what if he says “See” at the beginning of many sentences.
He can say whatever he wants because he’s “The Decider.”
Sometimes, after many shots of tequila, I can hear my third grade teacher teetering on the edge of insanity as she chides us for using the word “ain’t.” Ain’t is a perfectly acceptable word to many Texans, but bugs the heck out of spell-checker software. Right now as I’m typing, that cute little paper clip guy is dousing himself with gasoline.
Too bad I ain’t got no matches.
“Y’all” is a portmanteau of the words “you” and “all.” It’s much easier to say and much less cheesy than saying “youz guyz.” I’ve heard many non-Texans (God blessem) say “y’all” and is generally accepted as a uniquely Texan word.
It’s a very friendly word.
When used with the word “fixin’,” we give others the impression that we, as Texans, are people who are willing and ready to get the job done.
Y’all are fixin’ to find out why they call me “Stanky.”
My favorite though is our ability to make words out of thin air. Way too often has the English language failed miserably at providing just the right word for the right situation. If your truck is stuck in a ditch, chances are it’s “caddy-whompussed.” Try explaining that one to the Indian guy on the tech support line.
It’s like putting lingerie on a water buffalo.
I was having a conversation with someone the other day and it was mentioned that a wheelbarrow had “tumped” over. To say the wheelbarrow spilled its contents wasn’t enough. When the word “tumped” was introduced, it was understood between us Texans that not only did the wheelbarrow spill its contents, but the contents caught fire, burned to the ground and then the ashes blew away in a tornado.
“Dyuntoo” is a word that I’m guilty of using way too frequently. Usually, when I say this, it means, “Please rethink what you are asking me to do because I’d rather roll around nekkid on a pile of broken glass.”
For example:
“Hey, honey. Let’s go to the ballet tonight.”
“Dyuntoo?” [Also translates into: “Do you want to?”
I like how we feel it’s necessary to bless a person before we say something bad about them. By blessing a person, all the negativity you’re about to heap upon them is canceled out. The rule is the person you are blessing can’t be standing there.
I’ve tried to explain this to my non-Texan friends (God blessem).
No matter what we say and how we say it’s generally friendly in nature. People who visit our great state tend to pick up our language quickly and usually have no problems conversing with us.
So, the next time you cross paths with someone from somewhere else, strike up a conversation and give them a little taste of Texas.
Dyuntoo?