Office Supplies are a Steal For Some

The bible reads, “Thou shalt not steal.”

The Qur'an reads, “As to the thief (man or woman) let their hands be cut off, retaliation for what they did, a punishment from Allah.”

The sign at Jerry’s Meat Emporium reads, “Steal from me, and I’ll _____ your sister.”

Stealing is understood, by just about every culture on the planet, as the wrong thing to do. There are harsh sentences for those who steal. In some cases, States have allowed citizens to use deadly force to keep their possessions from being taken. Alarm companies make millions of dollars annually by giving people the peace of mind that someone cares about their stuff getting stolen. Stealing is a great way to make people feel badly.

I think there needs to be an asterisk place at the end of the above statements. “Thou shalt not steal” should include the caveat: does not apply to office supplies.

Webster’s defines stealing as, “to take the property of another wrongfully…” The Texas Penal Code defines theft as “…unlawfully appropriates property with intent to deprive the owner of property.” However, when it comes to office supplies, our attitudes shy away from this definition. If you steal your neighbor’s lawnmower you’re a thief. If you steal your neighbor’s pen, then you’re still a neighbor.

Stealing office supplies is a lot like cheating on a diet: everyone does it, yet no-one wants to talk about it or admit it. I don’t think people place a whole lot of value in office supplies. Regardless, they must be worth something. Otherwise, Staples and Office Depot loss prevention officers wouldn’t tackle you and beat you senseless for trying to purloin Post-It notes.

Try calling the police to make a report about a stolen paperclip and you’ll find yourself being the comedic relief at the next Christmas banquet.

Pens are like the Chevy Silverado of the office supply world. They are getting “jacked” all of the time. You can tell if a place has a high pen theft rate by the type of object used to keep the pen on the premises. I once used a pen in a gas station that was cable locked to a cinder block. That wasn’t nearly as bad as the transmission “pumpkin” that was attached to the bathroom key!
Still, it would be tough to get a jury of twelve people to send someone to jail for this.
Are there any real consequences for stealing office supplies?
Who knows?

But, I’m sure there is a small section in Hell reserved especially for those with no hands and a stapler in their pocket.

Writer's Blockade Closes Harbor of Ideas

Could this be writer's block?  

I’ve heard of it before, but I didn’t think it could happen to me. Let’s see. What are the symptoms.

Uninspired? Check.

Lack of creativity? Check.

Do I feel like my brain is constipated? Yep.

Wow. I think I have writer’s block. That’s not good though. A very bad case of writer’s block is what caused the character Jack Torrence to go “off his rocker” in The Shining.

How did it happen? I don’t think I hit my head on anything and I certainly don’t remember getting killed. Maybe this is what happens to people when they start writing and getting lots of creative juices flowing. Eventually, your muse takes a vacation and leaves you stranded like a jilted bride.

Actually, I have been doing lots of writing. My police reports are always keeping me busy. However, there is very little room for creativity. I try to make them somewhat enjoyable to read whenever I have room to flex my creative muscles. I have to be careful NOT to inject too much humor. Otherwise, I may seem flippant.

 “My investigation has determined the horse wandered into the roadway where it was struck by a large delivery truck. The blood and guts strewn on the roadway made a nice maple leaf pattern that reminded me of Winnipeg. Ironically, the truck was hauling glue.”

See?

 I’ve done some writing for school too. Essays and analytical type stuff. I think my professor appreciates the humor I inject into my writing. One of the downsides to being a college professor has to be the new batch of terrible writing that is generated for class. It’s like an unending harvest of dreck. The subject matter can be a bit dry when writing about such things as leadership principles. When asked for a term paper, “What makes a good leader?” I wrote of the importance of knowing when to say, “Yes, dear.” Also remembering to leave the toilet seat down is a key component of effective leadership.

I guess the only way out of writer’s block is to just start writing. If the ideas are there they will penetrate the membrane and release themselves. It’s a matter of taking the time to sit down and start hammering out words. Ah, that feels much better. J

If you can't stand the heat...

The air conditioning went out. My house is now a "sweat lodge". I understand that people pay great money for sauna treatments and the like. However, I'm not one of them.
Don't get me wrong. I prefer the hot to the cold. I just don't like it so hot that I need carrots and potatoes in my pockets.
To add insult to injury, the system needs to replaced completely. It's going to cost a wad of cash to replace. Compared to replacing an air conditioning system, it's cheaper to go to college! I would do without it if I could. Everyone in my house could stand to sweat off a few pounds anyway; particularly the baby. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of going to Brownsville to cool off.
I'm reminded of the adage, "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen."
I would re-write it to read, "If you can't stand the heat, then you haven't been here long enough."

String Cheese Article - XXXIV

Cheesy awards are a "cut" above the rest
by Aryn Corley

http://www.hcnonline.com/eastex/opinion/article_2ac360f6-be31-5f19-855f-4e8427dccfd8.html

The intrepid scientists at the Cheese Research Academy of the Pineywoods (C.R.A.P.) have once again devoted countless hours of research (and imbibing of adult beverages) to come up with the recipients of the 2011 Cheese Cutter Awards.
The Cheese Cutter Award is bestowed to those lucky few who have made the previous year seem like really bad morning breath. After all, there are thousands of awards given every year for excellence. Why not have ONE award each year for outstanding mediocrity? Remember, that without the dimness, the stars wouldn’t seem so bright. Without any further emission of greenhouse gasses, pull up a chair, grab a cold beverage, and let’s start cuttin’ cheese!
So it begins.
Chivalry isn’t dead, it just smells funny. That’s why the first award on the list goes to the Cheesiest Woman. There were plenty of opportunities to give this award. Michelle Obama gets an honorable mention for breaking protocol and hugging Queen Elizabeth. The gaffe created controversy because The Queen doesn’t even hug her husband Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh! Sarah Palin, last year’s recipient, continues to show a strong presence in this category with her “No retreat, reload” rhetoric. However, there was one woman above all others who was “Russian” to get the prize. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Woman award goes to...
Anna Chapman, Russian Spy.
In June of 2010, Chapman plead guilty to the charge of failing to register as a foreign agent. Apparently, you have a permit to spy on “The Gummint”. It’s unclear as to what information she was actually collecting. It was probably something along the lines of Starbucks locations and pizza delivery schedules. It was her “girl next door” good looks that garnered her notoriety and begged the question, “Where can I get a Russian girl like that to spy on me?”
Speaking of government...
The next award is for the Cheesiest Government Action. Bloated bureaucracies and reems of red tape are the breeding grounds for great comedy. Government lulus are usually at the expense of the taxpayer. The Transportation Security Administration made a strong showing when they kicked off their Grope-A-Palooza tour to fight terrorism. All be darned if any old ladies and young children were going to smuggle contraband onto our planes. The mid-term elections could be seen as some as a clear winner. Many incumbents lost to vrtually unknown challengers with Mickey Mouse receiving well over 25 percent of the vote in many heated elections. However, there was only one government action which took the cheese in this virtual “rat race”. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Government Action goes to...
the Iranian Space program.
In February, 2010, the Iranian government launched its first rocket into space. The astronauts aboard were hand chosen by the space agency from an elite group of candidates. Those with the “right stuff” included a rat, two turtles, and several worms. All were returned back to the Earth alive and given a ticker tape parade on the streets of Tehran. I heard the worms drank too much Tequila. Ahmadinejad was not only happy about his country’s successful space flight, but he was also pleased the two turtles remembered the arming sequences for a nuclear warhead. How nutty is it that a country, whose first astronaut is a rat, wins an award made from cheese?
Speaking of nuts...
Every year, we give an award for the Cheesiest Media Moment. This award is for the media who not only beat dead horses, but also beat the glue made from them. Endless coverage of the Tiger Woods scandal almost proved to be victorious. It’s too bad the philandering Tiger plays better golf than the straight-and-narrow Tiger. Who could forget the media snafu surrounding the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien? It seemed like the peacock network laid a huge egg when it moved around it’s schedule to accommodate Jay Leno, who after leaving the Tonight Show, was replaced by Conan O’Brien only to be re-replaced by Jay Leno. Still, it wasn’t enough to bring home the yellow in this category. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Media Moment goes to...
World Cup Vuvuzelas.
The feel-good event of 2010, the World Cup soccer championship, was shrouded by millions of plastic trumpets being blown all at once. The result was a sound that sounded like a million angry bees chasing a buffalo stampede. Coverage of the event seemed like a two week long vuvuzela concert with an occasional soccer game thrown in. Vuvuzelas crept their way from the soccer pitch onto other programs like CSI: World Cup and Law and Order: Breach of the Peace Unit. If aliens invade our planet and try to destroy it, don’t take it personally. They’ve come for the vuvuzelas.
Speaking of mankind...
Who will get the Cheesiest Dude award? Will it be Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg for the seemingly endless problems with user privacy and his apparent inability to give an interesting interview? Nope. Will it be Charlie Sheen who’s antics of the small screen usually (albeit allegedly) involve police, controlled substances, and the occasional hooker trapped in a hotel bathroom? Nope. The winner would have to be a man who’s not afraid to let his inner Tammy Faye Bakker out. The 2011 Winner of the Cheesiest Dude goes to....
Speaker of the House John Boehner.
The old saying “When the going gets tough, the tough cry and look like a dweeb” certainly applies to congressman Boehner. Whether it’s talking to Leslie Stahl on “60 Minutes”, giving an acceptance speech on election night, or talking about the Cowboys not making the playoffs, Boehner rarely misses the opportunity to turn on the water. For being third in line to ascend the presidency, you’d think there’d be a little more stoicism. It’s probably a good thing Boehner’s mascara is waterproof.
Speaking of kidney failure...
We’ve finally come to the last award: the Big Cheese. This award goes to that which was the most cheesy and the biggest goof of 2010. The award could have gone to those Chilean miners who, after spending 69 days trapped underground without a Justin Beiber concert, fought to be the last miner out of the mine. The award could have gone to British Petroleum for the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf which was so massive they ran out of wildlife to soak up the oil. Luckily, there was one who was a real strikeout...
And now... the moment you’ve been waiting for. The winner of the 2010 Big Cheese award goes to...(drum roll)
The New York Yankees.(applause)
The Yankees had spent somewhere in the neighborhood of a zillion dollars to get the best baseball players in the universe. Additionally, the Almighty moved George Steinbrenner to the “more major” league. Regardless of the talent, the money, and the most expensive hot dogs in major league baseball the Yankees were unable to defend their title as World Series champions. I feel obliged to note that their “sure thing” season was brought to a screeching halt by the Texas Rangers.
Booyah!!!
That does it for the 2010 Cheese Cutter awards. I hope the coming year is just as cheesy as the last.
Please leave this article face up next to the commode.

String Cheese Article - XXXIII

Christmas: It’s the fraught that counts

Posted: Tuesday, December 21, 2010 1:10 am

Christmas is only a couple of days away and I’m woefully negligent in getting my Christmas shopping done.

Sure, I could blame it on some external cause and come up with an excuse like “I can’t stand holiday crowds” or “I don’t have enough ammo to go Christmas shopping.” Truthfully, I’ve been afraid to give the crummiest gift.

If there was a country on this planet full of people who give cheap and thoughtless gifts, I would be their leader. It’s not that I intend to give Christmas presents that nobody likes, it’s just that I seem to pick the one’s the people really don’t want.

For example, a female friend of mine had a very small child who suffered from colic and cried quite a lot. Not her, but the child. Anyway, I decided to give her a box full of clean, hypoallergenic rags for Christmas. She had no idea why I had given them to her and she couldn’t figure out what they were for. I told her if she got tired of the kid crying she could stuff one of those cloths in its mouth.

Whoops. It wasn’t until I had a colicky baby of my own that I realized how insensitive I was.

I have to admit though, the rag trick works.

I guess I could re-gift an item. That seems to be the trend these days. I once got a Chia Pet from a friend and the tag read, “Ken, you are a great guy.” As I look around my hovel, I don’t see anything that could be re-gifted without seeming totally obvious.

Let’s see. I have loads of squirrel meat that would make a nice stocking stuffer. Who doesn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hankering for some squirrel stew? I have many rolls of “environmentally friendly” toilet paper. On second thought, I better keep those. I know! I have several bottles of Amoxicillin left over from the last time I had a really nasty sinus infection. That would be a nice gift considering how expensive prescription drugs have gotten.

Whoever said, “It’s better to give than to receive” obviously never received anything. That saying puts an incredible amount of responsibility on the giver. Logically, if it were truly better to receive than give, then the flu would be more popular.

Unfortunately, gifts are incredibly scrutinized by the receiver and are seen as benchmarks for how well you like a person or not. Can you imagine how much hate mail I got when I gave all of my law enforcement friends their own copy of “Brokeback Mountain?”

Whoever said, “It’s the thought that counts” never gave any copies of “Brokeback Mountain” to a bunch of cops. I’m still trying to pay off those tickets.

Probably, I’ll just have to lay low until this whole Christmas thing blows over. I’ll just tell my friends I was abducted by aliens and I’ll get them gifts on Columbus Day.

Besides, if any of them really want to unwrap something from me on Christmas morning I’ll get them a dozen tamales.

I hope that each and every one of you have a very Cheesy Christmas!

String Cheese Article - XXXII

Whine made from fresh gropes

Posted: Tuesday, November 30, 2010 11:33 am | Updated: 9:15 am, Wed Dec 1, 2010.

By ARYN CORLEY

It seems the war on terror is going to some very dark places. In fact, it’s going to places where the sun doesn’t shine.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), our country’s first line of defense against the “farces of evil,” has recently implemented invasive pat-downs and “see-thru” scanners to fight the global war on privacy.

If they happen to thwart terrorism, then that’s a bonus.

These new scanners penetrate clothing in order to allow highly trained voyeurs to determine if sneaky passengers are trying to smuggle foil-wrapped cucumbers onto the plane. Basically, these machines are doing what teenage boys have been doing for centuries.

For people who wish to “opt out” of being bombarded by carcinogenic X-rays, there’s the tactile technique, which is a blend of creepy touching and perverse petting.

The new procedures have only been in place for a couple of weeks and already the horror stories are hitting the Internet. One news website reported that a passenger named Thomas Sawyer had his colostomy bag broken by one of these crazy pat-downs.

I guess the TSA is very serious about not allowing liquids in carry-ons.

In Providence, Rhode Island, Channel 10 News interviewed a a breast cancer survivor who said the TSA screener was moving her prosthetic breast all over the place.

These searches, with new and improved invasiveness, wouldn’t have been implemented without first being tried by the politicians who support it. Right? Well, not exactly. Hillary Clinton admitted on Face the Nation that she wouldn’t be screened if she could “avoid it.”

I wonder if Bill would have a go.

If you recall, from my fourth String Cheese article (April 2008), I gave my reasons for hating to fly. Sadly, I look like a terrorist sometimes when I wear a turban at the airport. I get an extra level of screening because I look like a Hispanic Arab. Personally, I want the pat-down. It makes me feel like I’m back in Saigon.

Too bad I’ve never been to Saigon.

With all of the fun the TSA is having, I can’t understand why they can’t fill screener positions? I saw a recruitment poster that read they were “...looking for a few good hands.”

Although, I’m very happy with my present employment as a part time ne’er-do-well, a career as a “passenger handler” sounds very lucrative and a great addition to my resumé. Especially since Al-Quida announced they were going to start smuggling weapons of mass destruction in the bras of Norwegian supermodels.

The more I think about it, the more Greyhound sounds preferable. At least at a bus station, one expects some creep to put their hands on you.

At least were moving “forward” in the war on terror. However, winning the war on common sense seems hopeless.

I'm Drawing A Thumbprint Tree

My sister asked me to draw a Thumb Print Tree for her wedding guests to use as a sign in sheet. They'll put their thumb prints on the tree to make the "leaves". I hope she likes it. ;)