String Cheese Article XXVIII

Every slick has a silver lining

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 06.22.10

So there’s this huge oil slick in the Gulf...

I’m still trying to write a punch line for this one.

Even though there are thousands and thousands of barrels spilling into the Gulf of Mexico, things can’t be all bad? Right? It’s a matter of looking at things from a positive perspective. This little “worst-environmental-disaster-in-American-history” thing could turn out the be a boon to this country.

It’s been reported that British Petroleum may have cut some corners regarding the safety of its drilling platform. Safety experts had supposedly warned them of the dangers. What do safety experts know? My mother was a “safety expert.” She was always telling me to wash my hands, stop touching things, and very concerned about me poking out my eyes. I ran with scissors all of the time and managed to keep my eyesight intact. In fact, I tell my own kids that it’s okay to play with sharp objects and lighter fluid. They don’t listen to me either.

What’s wrong with a multi-gagillion dollar company wanting to save a little extra dough anyway? I’m sure BP was going to use that money to build homeless shelters, rural clinics, and gas stations all along the Gulf Coast. The company is now spending millions of dollars, while creating several hundred jobs, to quickly clean up the oily waterfowl so they can be blasted in the fall by hunters. Commercial businesses impacted by the “devastation” will have access to many hats, koozies, and T-shirts bearing that really rad BP logo. See? BP is doing a lot for the local economy!

BP CEO Tony Hayward (who looks like Piers Morgan from “Americas Got Talent”), has taken a beating from the press, from Congressional panels, and the characters from Yo-Gabba-Gabba. If Mr. Hayward watched any of the Congressional Baseball Steroid Crusade, then he knows he has nothing to worry about.

As the CEO of a large multinational corporation, it’s his job not to know what’s going on in his company. “I Dunno” is a perfectly acceptable answer to questions when one doesn’t know or is being evasive. However, Tony Hayward’s cunning cannot be denied. Not only has he vowed to clean up the Gulf and have the whole world not believe him, but he got a Republican congressman to apologize for the negative publicity, then got the same guy to apologize for being apologetic.

At least the oil slick has everyone thinking again. Part of what makes this country great, besides Las Vegas, is our ingenuity. BP has set up a hotline for “Joe Q Public” to share ideas about how to clean up the mess. Here it is: 281-366-5511. Americans are brilliant for coming up with ideas. Several examples can be cited as evidence: electricity, flight, and seven-layer dip. People are coming out of the woodwork to share their solutions.

For example, actor Kevin Costner, that dude from “Dances with Wolves” (not Two Socks), has a brother who has a machine that will separate the oil from the water, then turn the water into “Tin Cup” DVDs. I’d like to see that one! It’s been suggested that putting hay on the water will soak it up. This method will work if one remembers the old adage: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him eat petroleum-soaked hay.

I called the hotline and offered my idea. My plan calls for the Jonas Brothers to give a concert there on the beach with thousands of pre-pubescent fans blowing their vuvuzelas. The oil blob would be so horrified by the sound of the Jonas Brothers, it will slither back in its hole.

I’m still waiting to hear back from BP.

I figure when the property values plunge to record levels I can open a theme park called “Schlickerbahn.” Families can have fun sliding around while enjoying chocolate-covered ice cream pelicans.

As every day passes with the Gulf puking out “Black Gold... Texas Tea”, I try to remain optimistic. Ironically, disasters seem to bring out the good in most people. Time and time again we’ve pulled together when it really counts to help others in need.

It’s unfortunate that we have to have something bad to remind us of how good we can be.

Author’s note: My sympathy is with the families of those who died on that rig. My satirical humor will never be enough to ease their sadness.

Thanks for the Delay

Yes. This is former US Congressman, and Dancing with the Stars alum, Tom Delay. Mr. Delay and his lovely wife, Christie, came to the restaurant where we ate this evening. Mr. and Mrs. Delay were very nice, gracious, and big fans of fish and game police officers! Needless to say, I was happy to let him take a picture with me.

Pixels

PIXELS by Patrick Jean. in 720p HD

This video is VERY cool. It's not only visually appealing, but it's nostalgic as well. This video was forwarded to me by my pal @Blickemlord (Ken Woomer). Enjoy.

String Cheese - Article XXVII

New healthcare laws need second opinion

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 04.06.10

The debate about healthcare reform is making my head spin.

Those who are in favor of the new healthcare bill claim it will fix many things wrong with the American healthcare system.

Those who are against it claim that it will be very expensive to implement and most people don’t want it.

This issue has caused a very heated exchange of ideas. When I refer to a heated exchange, I’m referring to a fight equivalent to that which would occur between Gary Busey and Nick Nolte over the last piece of “creepy” left on the planet.

Idealogues on both sides of the argument are bringing out their best straw men for this ideological “beat down.”

However, in spite of the passage of recent legislation, I feel the real problems with the American healthcare system are being ignored. If left un-addressed, these problems will haunt doctors and patients alike for several generations to come.

I hope those in power, or those who perceive they have power, will be inspired to address these concerns for the betterment of our country and humanity as a whole.

The new healthcare law does little to improve the deplorable condition of most waiting rooms.

Sitting next to someone who has an active case of tuberculosis is not nearly as bad as having to decide how to waste time by reading either Woman’s Day or Cat Fancy. Personally, I’d rather spend time in the galley of a large ship. The lack of male oriented reading is disturbing. A fishing, hunting, or bikini magazine should do just fine.

There should also be a harsh physical punishment clause for those nudnicks who solve the hidden picture section of “Highlights for Children.” The only difference between a patient and a victim is the time spent waiting for something bad to happen to them.

Naturally, the problems of the American healthcare system don’t stop at the waiting room. If the camera adds 10 pounds, then the scale at the doctor’s office adds 15.

The reason why obesity is an “epidemic” in this country is due to the fact that doctor scales lie. If the scales are properly calibrated, then the trip between my house and the doctor’s office must contain way too many carbs and calories. So many, in fact, the drive adds poundage. If you ask me, patients should be weighed when they are lighter: after they’ve paid their bill.

If anything should be banned, it should be cold stethoscopes. I’m pretty sure many doctors get a sadistic thrill applying a freshly refrigerated stethoscope to the skin of their victims, uh, I mean patients. My own doctor has a stethoscope that would give a polar bear “goose bumps.”

There are machines that electronically monitor heart rates, take three-dimensional pictures of people’s guts, and thermometers that can take the temperature of a fly. Yet, a 19th century piece of French-made medical technology is supposed to help? I think I figured out why he giggles every time he says, “Lift your shirt for me, please.”

Whoever came up with the adage, “Good things come to those who wait” never sat in an examination room. If he had, there would be an adage which states, “Waiting sucks.”

The healthcare bill should have a clause that would deduct from the cost of the visit the time spent waiting to be seen. If this were the case, I think more doctor’s offices would have carhops instead of nurses.

These problems are common ground for people both the bleeding-hearted and xenophobic alike. One can only hope that in the near future a set of reforms will come along and make people feel better rather than deal with any salient healthcare issues.

Besides, this argument, like a hospital gown, has everyone showing their backsides.

String Cheese - Article XXVI

Wieners Usually Write the History Books
by Aryn Corley

    Recently the Texas Board of Education voted to make some changes to the state curriculum which some feel are politically motivated changes. The hotbed of controversy is centered around the issue of potential information contained in new social studies textbooks.

    Proponents of the changes argue that social studies textbooks are "liberally biased". While opponents of the changes claim that such change is based in "ideology" and not "fact".

    Personally, I feel that the nut view is under represented.

    I've had several people inquire as to where my articles have been these past weeks. To be perfectly honest (a phrase often used by those who think what they are about to say totally lacks credulity), I've been writing my own social studies textbook for all of the pointy-headed children of the world who need to be entertained instead of being educated. 
   Hopefully, my textbook will be well received and will be purchased by several State's Board of Education for hefty sums. 
   Every culture on the planet prohibits stealing, yet overcharging for textbooks seems to be perfectly acceptable.

   The problem with many textbooks is they're written in an uninteresting manner and loaded down with too many facts. Kids don't care that the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower in 1962. They want to hear about how the pilgrims fought with pirates the whole way, how the ship crashed violently at the feet of the Statue of Liberty, and how half of the crew was eaten by Jaws.

   The story of the first Thanksgiving places less emphasis on the interaction of peoples from different cultures and more on the bloodshed arising from disagreements over who was going to pick up the tab. The pilgrims believed the Indains should pay the whole thing while the Indians thought everyone wanted to "go Dutch".

   My text would likewise address the particular controversy that our country was founded on either religious or secular values. In reality, our country was founded on the basis of instant gratification, convenience, and free high speed internet for all people. According to my book, the Boston Tea Party was overwhelming opposition to socialized health care and The Constitution is a patchwork of "tweets" gleaned from Twitter. 
   After Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity, he promptly posted the results to his Facebook page. The Declaration of Independence is nothing more than an End User License Agreement which required 3/4ths of the states to click the "I Agree" button for ratification.

    As for the Civil War, my book will leave it out completely, due to a lack of anything relevant or exciting about the whole affair. It will be replaced with an extensive chronicling of Beverly Hills:90210 episode synopses. Kids are less interested in the Battle of Gettysburg and more interested in Battle of the Bands (ref. 90210:Season 3).

   Emancipation? Not in there.

   Women's suffrage? Boring.

   Japanese internment camps ? Nope.

   The death of Anna Nicole Smith? Now, that's history!

   Since Texas schools purchase so many "approved" textbooks, the decisions about which textbooks are "safe" have an academic ripple effect across the country. Picking the right book is a very important thing which should not be trifled with. 
   I hope that my textbook, "The Completely True, Unabridged, Annotated and Voted on History of the One True Amerika", is chosen so the multitudes of children can be taught that Abraham Lincoln flashed a five dollar bill every time the cops asked for his identification.

   Let's face it, the classroom is no place to be giving children ideas.

Glutton For Punishment

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.
I'm currently working on my Master's Degree in Criminal Justice Leadership and Management from Sam Houston State University. I've got a new baby (#3) due in April. I have a fulltime job, plus an extra job on my days off. I also have a newspaper column and now I've taken on a new article for a professional magazine for the Game Warden Association.
I think the next chance I get, I'm going to volunteer as a missionary bringing culinary advice to cannibal tribes.
I'll have a glut of articles coming. In the mean time, to keep things fresh. I think I'll post some of my homework assignments here.
Won't that be fun?

String Cheese Article XXV

Cheese Awards are nacho normal kind of prizes

By ARYN CORLEY
Updated: 01.12.10

Wow.

It seems like only a year ago that 2009 was being ushered in with the promise of hope and change.

Now, as the “Baby New Year of 2010” cries incessantly and spits up on itself, it’s important to look back at 2009 and recognize the folks who made the year great.

The awards I’m about to bestow upon these lucky recipients were carefully evaluated by the Cheese Research Academy of the Pineywoods. Most awards are based on some kind of achievement.

However, this dubious honor is reserved for those individuals, or government entities, which have demonstrated an elite level of cheesiness for the past year.

The award itself is a fine, hand-crafted pair of scissors made from a block of processed cheese. All awards are made in the USA and are completely edible (I suggest sausage and diced tomatoes to go with it.)

Ladies and Gentlemen [drum roll], I present to you the 2009 Cheese Cutter Awards! [applause]

Since I’m a chivalrous guy, I’ll give the ladies’ award first. First runners-up are Paula Abdul and Susan Boyle who have a common thread with Simon Cowell.

The Cheesiest Woman award goes to the First Lady of Cheese: Sarah Palin. The former governor has given late night talk show hosts and we humor columnists plenty to work with.

It was Palin (Sarah, not Michael) who used her Facebook page to suggest that Democratic health care legislation would create “death panels,” which was manifestly untrue.

However, it was her appearance with William Shatner on the Tonight Show, which put her on the express Cheeto to fame. I hope for the sake of comedy in this country that Sarah Palin lives a very, very long time.

Speaking of government, the next award is for the Cheesiest Government Action. Our elected officials are putting Wisconsin to shame with the cheese output.

Honorable mention goes to corporate bailouts and ending analogue broadcasts. Thank goodness we don’t have to suffer the indignity of watching Ryan Seacrest in standard definition.

The award for Cheesiest Government Action goes to: electing Al Franken as senator. It’s fitting that he ran in the same state that elected a pro-wrestler for governor.

Public office seems to be the next logical step for anyone who used to write comedy. There are few differences between drafting legislation and crafting punchlines.

There were enough media moments to stuff a jalapeno and wrap it with bacon. Interestingly, the shocker of the Obama Nobel Prize win and the non-event NASA missile striking the moon were on the same day.

However, the Cheesiest Media moment, hands down, goes to: the endless coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. What happened to the media when Jacko’s death was announced is the same thing that happens when you shove a burrito into a VCR.

The glut of coverage was so overwhelming, I had to call a random person in Afghanistan to find out how things were going. I just hope that the next time it happens, I’m out of the country. Pop culture is the mortar by which the bricks of lunacy are set.

The Cheesiest Man Award could easily go to Jay Leno for retiring from the Tonight Show only to have it come on earlier in a horrendous format, which is as funny as a nutritional label.

The award could also go to Tiger Woods whose extramarital shenanigans have cost him his family and career. Tiger has more mistresses than he has mulligans.

The award for Cheesiest Man easily goes to Wall Street huckster Bernie Madoff. His 150-year sentence in federal prison speaks to the fact that Madoff failed to research the success rates of Ponzi schemes.

Bernie proved once again that you can get away with murder, but investor fraud will not be tolerated! The world also learned never to give money to anyone whose last name rhymes with “made off.”

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the BIG Cheese award.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was on track for the prize for his impeachment, removal from office, and bad hair.

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman almost won by giving birth to a litter of kids, bringing her total number of tax deductions to 14. That’s enough kids to move into a decent sized shoe.

However, only one was worthy enough to claim the 2009 BIG Cheese award. This guy’s cheesy idea of getting on national television was so ill conceived, it backfired and landed him in trouble with federal, state, and local police.

Dear readers, raise a glass for the 2009 BIG Cheese: Richard “Balloon Boy Dad” Heene.

As a dad, I know I do some dumb stuff. As far Richard Heene is concerned, the cheese stands alone. His lust for the limelight was so insatiable, he decided to cook up a lie that his son, Falcon, was stuck in a huge floating Mylar balloon.

His ticket to instant fame and fortune was punched when the son accidentally outed him during a live television interview that the whole event was a hoax.

Heene’s stunt brought air traffic to a standstill, wasted emergency resources, and made several police officers wish they’d gone to the gym before chasing that dumb balloon.

As a result, Heene and his wife received jail sentences of 90 and 20 days, respectively. Way to go, dude. The family that does time together stays together.

Well, that’s it. Sadly, there are no more awards to give out. We’ve covered the Cheesiest of 2009. I hope that 2010 will be just as cheesy as the last. We’re only a few weeks into the new year and it already seems promising.