Cars may soon miss best parts
By ARYN CORLEY
The recent economical slump and waning consumer confidence are putting the brakes on the American automotive industry. The closures of several hundred auto dealerships, coupled with parked auto sales, may signal the collapse of one of this country’s most important institutions.Of course, I’m referring to the automotive accessory industry.
It’s depressing me to think that if American cars drop off the face of the earth, there won’t be a need for window decals of Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, urinating on some automobile logo. I shudder at the thought of seeing a huge pair of metallic testicles dragging the ground behind a Smart Car. Whole forests of little air freshener pine trees will be neglected. Fuzzy dice would grow even fuzzier!
It would truly be a bummer for your Hummer.
Part of the “American Dream” is owning a really large car, or truck, that gets terrible gas mileage, then adorning it with all kinds of accoutrements, which not only make a statement about who you are, but are completely unnecessary.
I wish I had bought stock in a vinyl window decal manufacturing company. East Texas alone could have made me a millionaire. Everywhere I go, there is plenty to read on the backs of people’s windows. College rivalries are played out with declarations of “Saw ’Em Off” and “Reveille: The Other White Meat.” I have seen quite a lot of trucks with the words “Ain’t Skeer’d” plastered across the rear window.
However, I’ve yet to see anyone proudly declare the words “Kan’t Spel.”
When Henry Ford made the Model-T, his reason was to have something on which to put his bumper stickers. There’s a sweatshop somewhere in Arkansas where out-of-work comedians are churning out insightful quips for our traffic-jam entertainment. I bet it’s right next to the fortune cookie laboratory. If it weren’t for bumper stickers, the achievements of hundreds of honor students would go unnoticed. It’s also useful to know if someone is going to brake for that centaur standing in the roadway.
It wasn’t all that long ago when it seemed like everyone had those annoying “on board” signs hanging in their windows. To be different, I used to hang a HAZMAT placard in my window with the words “HAZARDOUS WASTE” printed on it. That one sure helped me get through rush-hour traffic!
The Great Chrome Mines of Green Bay, Wisconsin, would surely close as well. The little kids who work in those mines would be left without insurance and without their normal wage of copious amounts of Mountain Dew. The chrome from those mines are primarily used to make spinner rims for recreational and military vehicles. Spinner rims create the illusion that the tire is continuing to move while the car is stopped. While they’re utterly absurd, the military has a practical use for them. While the enemy combatants are shaking their heads in disgust, our boys launch a rocket and the battle is won. Hoo-ah!
If the President has any more stimulus money, I hope he can throw out a couple billion more to a charity that can really use the money.
The Dashboard Hula Girl Relief Fund comes to mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment