Toll House Dysentery - Nestle Recalls Cookie Dough Products

The food maker on Friday voluntarily recalled its Toll House refrigerated cookie dough products after a number of illnesses were reported by those who ate the dough raw. View Original Article

I know people who eat raw cookie dough. I don't eat raw cookie dough for the simple fact that it can give you worms. Although, if I were going to the electric chair, I might eat raw cookie dough so everyone could have some cookies later. ;)

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String Cheese - Article XVIII

Time is right for monkeying around

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 06.17.09

The world is on the brink of collapse.

Our economy is shaky. Crime is on the rise.

North Korea and Iran are playing with “nuke-ular” bombs.

Global pandemics are poised to kill millions of people.

Dancing with the Stars is a hit.

Who is going to save humanity from utter destruction?

Enter: the Sea Monkeys.

Is there some wisdom that we can learn from these tiny creatures? Maybe they can teach us something about the world we live in.

Mankind’s only hope may rest with the tiny, wacky-good fun loving little brine shrimp known as Artemia NYOS (New York Ocean Science laboratory). As a kid, I would see the advertisements for Sea Monkeys in comic books, kid magazines, or at truck stop bathrooms. The ads depicted the whole Sea Monkey family: Dad, Mom, Junior, Lil’ Sis, and pet smiling and waiting for legions of kids to release them from cryostasis.

Sea Monkeys seem like very happy little creatures. Why not? They don’t have to worry about holding down a job, social acceptance, or personal hygiene. They really don’t have to worry about much of anything.

When one’s daily schedule involves only swimming and mating, there leaves very little room to be depressed. As an added bonus, female Sea Monkeys can self-fertilize their own eggs by a process called parthenogenesis.

What female Sea Monkeys fail to realize is that without male Sea Monkeys, they’ll never be able to open jars.

Sea Monkeys aren’t known for aberrant behavior in any way. I combed through several thousand pages of court documents looking for any occasion where a Sea Monkey, or perhaps a gang of them, has run afoul of the law. Nothing.

As far as I know, no Sea Monkey has ever been called into military service either. I wonder if they know about the Montgomery G.I. Bill?

Growing the little buggers is apparently pretty easy. So easy in fact, you’d have to be a humor columnist to mess it up. It’s much like making a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Just add water. Although, I wouldn’t advise boiling them.

However, they might taste really good when heaped with mounds of cheddar. After all, Sea Monkeys are shrimp. But, because of their size, it would take several hundred thousand of them to make a decent fettuccine.

The Official Sea Monkey website (www.sea-monkey.com) has everything that any Sea Monkey enthusiast needs to get started. It’s important to use the right stuff if you decide you’re going to grow Sea Monkeys. Maybe when my kids get a little older we’ll try to grow some Sea Monkeys and add a tad bit more happiness to the world.

Although, I do have a fond memory of my own about the whole Sea Monkey experience.

I got some as a gift one time back in the late 70’s. The tank got cracked during shipping so I had the bright idea of using a Mason jar. I added the water and the “Instant Life” packet, set the jar on the counter, then went outside. I came back to find my mother hand drying the makeshift Sea Monkey realm.

“What happened to my Sea Monkeys?”

“Is that what all that crud was in here? Don’t use my jars,” mom said disapprovingly.

My poor Sea Monkeys were given death by the woman who gave me life. My Sea Monkeys taught me about something very important that exists in this world.

Irony.

New Computer Set Up

I just got a new computer thanks to the lovely Andrea, who pulled some strings with one of her clients (from the radio station). She was getting way tired of my putting my tentacles on her laptop. It's been kind of a hassle getting this machine caught up. I'm running Windows 7 RC and it is just FANTASTIC!
Also, I have new septic lines in the back yard so my septic water won't be in the front yard anymore. TRA is happy, which makes my neighbors happy, which makes me happy.
Thanks to all of you who read this blog and continue to read my colums. I appreciate being the sole source of nonsense in your life.
Cheers.

String Cheese - Article XXVII

Cars may soon miss best parts

By ARYN CORLEY

Updated: 06.02.09

The recent economical slump and waning consumer confidence are putting the brakes on the American automotive industry. The closures of several hundred auto dealerships, coupled with parked auto sales, may signal the collapse of one of this country’s most important institutions.

Of course, I’m referring to the automotive accessory industry.

It’s depressing me to think that if American cars drop off the face of the earth, there won’t be a need for window decals of Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, urinating on some automobile logo. I shudder at the thought of seeing a huge pair of metallic testicles dragging the ground behind a Smart Car. Whole forests of little air freshener pine trees will be neglected. Fuzzy dice would grow even fuzzier!

It would truly be a bummer for your Hummer.

Part of the “American Dream” is owning a really large car, or truck, that gets terrible gas mileage, then adorning it with all kinds of accoutrements, which not only make a statement about who you are, but are completely unnecessary.

I wish I had bought stock in a vinyl window decal manufacturing company. East Texas alone could have made me a millionaire. Everywhere I go, there is plenty to read on the backs of people’s windows. College rivalries are played out with declarations of “Saw ’Em Off” and “Reveille: The Other White Meat.” I have seen quite a lot of trucks with the words “Ain’t Skeer’d” plastered across the rear window.

However, I’ve yet to see anyone proudly declare the words “Kan’t Spel.”

When Henry Ford made the Model-T, his reason was to have something on which to put his bumper stickers. There’s a sweatshop somewhere in Arkansas where out-of-work comedians are churning out insightful quips for our traffic-jam entertainment. I bet it’s right next to the fortune cookie laboratory. If it weren’t for bumper stickers, the achievements of hundreds of honor students would go unnoticed. It’s also useful to know if someone is going to brake for that centaur standing in the roadway.

It wasn’t all that long ago when it seemed like everyone had those annoying “on board” signs hanging in their windows. To be different, I used to hang a HAZMAT placard in my window with the words “HAZARDOUS WASTE” printed on it. That one sure helped me get through rush-hour traffic!

The Great Chrome Mines of Green Bay, Wisconsin, would surely close as well. The little kids who work in those mines would be left without insurance and without their normal wage of copious amounts of Mountain Dew. The chrome from those mines are primarily used to make spinner rims for recreational and military vehicles. Spinner rims create the illusion that the tire is continuing to move while the car is stopped. While they’re utterly absurd, the military has a practical use for them. While the enemy combatants are shaking their heads in disgust, our boys launch a rocket and the battle is won. Hoo-ah!

If the President has any more stimulus money, I hope he can throw out a couple billion more to a charity that can really use the money.

The Dashboard Hula Girl Relief Fund comes to mind.