Bomber orders shot of Scotch and freedom
By ARYN CORLEY
Go easy on the Scots.Recently, the Scottish government decided to release from prison a Libyan terrorist named Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi because he’s been diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. The Scottish medical professionals have only given him three months to live.
The convicted terrorist was tossed into the hoosegow for the bombing murder of 259 people aboard Pan Am Flight 103, over Lockerbie, Scotland, on December 21, 1988. The sentence was life imprisonment.
Usually when someone is sentenced to life imprisonment, at least in America, it means that you are going to be eating really bad jailhouse food and kissing your “cellie” goodnight until you give up the ghost. Your chances of getting out of prison are about as good as NASA offering Paris Hilton a full-time job.
However, the Scots have a loophole. Apparently, if you’re convicted of a heinous crime, and are sentenced to life imprisonment, you must remain in prison for the remainder of your days or until you develop prostate cancer. Whichever comes first. It’s a lot like a car warranty.
The Scottish National Party claims they released Abbie the Terrorist to return to his homeland of Libya on the grounds that they felt compassionate toward him.
Wow. That was nice.
I wonder if Abbie was given a complimentary Sean Connery DVD or a shirt that reads “I did prison time in Scotland and all I got was this lousy T-shirt... and cancer.”
As a result, there has been an outcry of anger directed toward the Scottish government for this action, which some are calling “The DOH! heard ’round the world.” The blogosphere and Twitter are blazing with people encouraging others to boycott Scotland by not traveling there and to trade in Scotch whiskey for Budweiser.
How is it that the Scots are able to show compassion for such a vile criminal? William Wallace, the champion of Scottish independence, and Mad Max look-alike, was one of the most fierce and ruthless adversaries the Brits ever knew. Compassion was not in his vocabulary. If he knew what was going on, he'd drop a haggis from under his kilt.
Before focusing on what a terrible PR blunder this is for the Scots, we must remember the things that made them so important in the first place.
Scotland is the birthplace of golf. Some guy thought it would be better to hit a ball with a small stick instead of tossing it into a hole. As a result, Scottish retirees had something to keep themselves occupied.
Scotland is also the home of the Loch Ness monster. There’s nothing like a local mystery critter to bring a little tourism to the area. Personally, I think the Loch Ness monster is nothing more than a Sasquatch with a sock on its hand. Totally fake.
Finally, if the Scots hadn’t come up with that cool, see-through tape, Christmas would be a total drag. Although, I must admit, it’s really funny to watch a kid try and open a present completely bound in duct tape.
Before we serve the Scots their heaping helping of crow, we’ve got to let the bagpipes warm up.
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