Two take Texas-sized
bite out of Big Apple
When I heard my wife shout those words to our cab driver, it was then I realized that we were really in New York City. However, our driver didn’t understand much English so her plea had fallen on uncomprehending ears. As the cab dodged in and out of traffic like Emmitt Smith running through the Steeler’s defensive line, I wondered if we’d properly completed our will. After a short ride we were dumped at our destination in Queens.
Queens, New York, is not exactly a tourist destination. It’s much like Pointblank, only slightly bigger. At least the hotel was free. There didn’t seem to be any insects because the rats had eaten them all. The hotel where we stayed (name withheld because I can’t write in Arabic) was probably very nice about the same time Fleetwood Mac was big.
Being from Texas, distance is a strange thing. We drive everywhere because nothing is close by. In a big city like New York, a “block” is actually a unit of measure. It’s about as long as a football field. So when the bell captain (funny, our hotel had no bell nor steeple for that matter) said the subway station was five blocks away, that sounded really close.
Normally, walking five hundred yards doesn’t bother me unless it’s in extremely cold weather. New York in February is pretty darn close to winter. It’s perfect weather for hanging deer meat or just dying from hypothermia. Texans have no business being in the cold. Which is why we invented the jalapeno.
Texans also have no business traveling on the subway system. It’s very easy to tell a Texan in the subway station. We’re the ones who say, “Which train is this?” It took us a couple of days to figure out the trains don’t run from point A to point B. I think a few times we accidentally ended up where we needed to be.
While we were there, we visited my sister. She lives in an apartment in Manhattan. I never realized just how living in such a huge city is different than living in the country. When I look out my window, I see a beautiful shot of Lake Livingston. When I looked out my sister’s window, I saw a half-naked woman staring at me with bewilderment. She was probably wondering why my nose was flattened on the glass.
I have to say, though, the food was amazing. We Texans are blessed with good food. So are New Yorkers. My wife and I ate in a Chinese restaurant one evening. We had no idea what we ordered other than it was fried and the wait staff was very interested to see if we were going to puke. We also had some fantastic Greek food. They rolled their eyes at us when we ordered two “Ji-Rohs.” They also looked at us like they’d never heard of Dr. Pepper!
Sadly, we never made it out to ground zero and my fear of heights automatically ruled out the Empire State building. We were able to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. I was finally able to satisfy my curiosity as to what the Statue of Liberty wears underneath her toga. You can see it if you go around behind the statue itself. I’m not telling what it is though. It’s a secret.
Ellis Island was a sobering testament to the people who came to this country looking for a better way of life. Several thousand immigrants came here with nothing but a few dollars in their pockets and desire to make it in this country. Fortunately, they had a restaurant, souvenir shop, and plenty of exhibits to keep them busy.
After a few days of blistering cold and almost getting run over by busses and taxis, it was time for us to come home. In a way I was saddened our trip wasn’t a couple of days longer. The general level of friendliness and hospitality we were shown while we were there pleasantly surprised me. New Yorkers are stereotypically viewed as rude, arrogant, and brash. We must not have been in the right part of the city.
Now, I have a better understanding of all those shirts I saw which read: I “heart” New York.
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