String Cheese - Article Twenty

Some greetings are hands-on experiences

By ARYN CORLEY

As long as there have been homosapiens pretending to be people, they’ve needed a way to greet one another. Since hind end sniffing was monopolized by canines, the handshake was developed.

Trust me. It’s a good thing. Otherwise, walking into the front doors at church on Sunday morning would be pretty weird.

Accepted as a universal sign of good will, the handshake is one of those gestures that spans across cultures and breaks down language barriers. Just like sticking out your tongue fourteen times and humming “nanny nanny boo-boo.”

Although the meaning of the handshake is relatively unambiguous, not all handshakes are created equal. In fact, the handshake you get is as much a unique characteristic of the person giving it as their signature.

In Texas, you’re most likely to get a firm handshake from just about everyone including newborns. I think it’s a reflection of our friendly nature. Personally, I like firm handshakes. Especially from women 30 or older.

However, if you go anywhere else you’re likely to get what I call a “sick clam.”

The “sick clam” is that kind of half handshake where the other person barley pinches the tips of your fingers with a cold, clammy hand. The whole affair makes me feel creepy like I’ve just been gummed by an 80-year-old mollusk.

Conversely, I don’t like having the “tortilla press” applied to me either.

The “tortilla press” is where the giver is less concerned with your well-being and more concerned about squishing your hand into one flat uniform piece like a tortilla. It seems like the more your face turns purple and your eyes water, the harder the other person squeezes. Luckily, it’s only men who do this. Otherwise, the resultant swift kick to the [deleted] wouldn’t be as effective.

Recently, I was talking to a friendly 18-year-old person from inner-city Houston. The handshake started off normal enough, but quickly morphed into a series of manual somersaults and machinations that made me feel like I was in a dance routine rather than just saying, “Hello.” By the time it was over, I felt confused about what had just happened, yet refreshed that I’d gotten such a workout. It was all I could do just to follow along. I call that handshake “The Simon Sez.”

Fist bumping has become popular lately. This is accomplished by two people who don’t want the commitment and intimacy of a legitimate handshake, but want something more substantial than a “high five.”

Too bad. I really liked the high five.

It was about the only way you could slap someone in public without getting the police involved. The downside to the “high five” is that it needed to be rehearsed at least 15 times. There’s nothing more embarrassing, or funny, about seeing two people awkwardly miss each other’s hands and landing right on the other person’s forehead.

Howie Mandel, host of NBC television’s insipid game show “Deal, or No Deal,” prefers not to shake hands with people because he’s afraid of germs. He opts instead for a trendy fist bump. Sadly, Howie doesn’t know about the Fistodollas bacillus germs that are spread by fist bumping and causes impotence and baldness. Ironically, most deals are closed with a handshake.

Of course, it’s almost impossible to engage someone in a handshake without making a few gaffs.

I once tried to shake hands with a guy who was missing an arm. Oops. Wrong hand.

In some cultures, shaking with the wrong hand could prove to be very insulting.

Generally speaking, one shouldn’t try to shake hands with the dead.

Regardless, handshakes have been around for hundreds of years and will be around for hundreds more. Perhaps, the best policy is simply to keep our hands to ourselves.

Speaking of handshakes, try this riddle:

Suppose six people shake hands with each other. How many handshakes are there?

Hint: The answer is somewhere in this article.

Have fun!