Extra Cheese

I think I'll also use this space for articles which might not make regular print. Here, I don't have to worry too much about advertisers getting angry. I'll try to keep the profianity to a minimum as well. Have fun!

New Research Gives New Meaning to ‘Watermelon Thump’
by Aryn Corley

There has been much ballyhoo lately about a study, which came out of College Station recently. In it, Dr. Bhimu Patil, director of Texas A&M’s Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center, claims that certain ingredients found naturally in watermelons may have a “Viagra” like effect.
Hold on. Let me get this straight. There’s a Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center at Texas A&M?
According to Dr. Patil, watermelons may be more beneficial that just something sweet to eat on a hot summer day. The ingredient –citrulline- helps blood vessels to relax. Much like Viagra does.
Viagra is a drug which enhances male erectile dysfunction. It was developed during WW2 as a way to keep G.I.’s from rolling out of their bunk beds. Back then it was called “Operation Kickstand”.
Just when nature had dealt grandpa his last card, Viagra put him back in the game with a full.. er… deck.
Sadly, Dr. Patil didn’t elaborate on just how many watermelons you had to eat to make Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew motivated.
Luckily, a friend of mine grows watermelons. So, I decided to do a week long study of my own just to find out what would happen. For this experiment, I ate Charlston Grey watermelons from Polk County, Texas. Here’s how it went:
Monday – ate about five pounds worth of melon. No viagra effect. More like Coors effect. I’ve peed more than Seabiscuit!
Tuesday – ate another five pounds. No effect. My stool looked like Darth Vaders lightsaber. It was glowing and red.
Wednesday – I upped the dosage to seven pounds of watermelon. Still no effect. Although, I did call my wife several times to see what she was doing.
Thursday- Ate another seven pounds. Dreamed about Dolly Parton carrying two huge Black Diamond melons in a bag. No effect.
Friday- Upped dosage. Ate ten pounds of watermelon. Had to change into pants. Too drafty outside for shorts. No effect.
Saturday- Ten pounds consumed. Started hearing voices. Seeing green. Must go lie down.
Sunday- Awoke in the morning to a house in shambles. There are large holes in the walls and things were knocked off the table. I must have sleepwalked. Plus, I’m sore.

Well, there you have it. I dunno what it was, but I can tell you it’s nice to have a break from watermelon for a little while.
If watermelons act like Viagra, I wonder what kumquats are good for?